Coochie Crunch – Halloween
Friday 27th October 2017
Smokes & Mirrors Bar, Bristol
Host: Dis Charge
Line up: Fleur Du Mal, Morning Star, Terri Murder, Midnight Iris, Mariposa Bop
Ally Katte, Tuesday Laveau
Smoke and Mirrors Bar, Bristol, Friday, October 27th…the air is cool, the bar is hot. Very hot! I’m dolled up like a man tart in leather trousers and tons of rings and bracelets…but enough about me, what about them? Them being the performers – those righteous freaks and sweethearts…the ones who will spook you, serenade you, and in the case of the clown…try to eat you!
Ah, but now DIS CHARGE is here to save you from any more MG monotony.
Dis is incredibly sweeping this evening…he’s wearing a pink/ blue flower headdress, a long black lace dress, a necklace, a waspie, a blackflower and some bracelets.
Dis begins to sing – a song about an Iron Lady (no, not Maggie Thatcher, thank f***)
“Legs of steel, leather on her arms…”
Silence, applause, a greeting…
Dis: “Hello and welcome to the show!”
“Have you seen some amazing things?”
“It’s my ass!”
“Are we ready for a good time?”
“Once I get going I’m like a gyroscope…or uh, what’s it called?”
I’m not sure we got to the answer to this…but it’s pretty gyratory so…
“It’s been a testing week but now we’re here at the cabaret!”
“I’ve been practising my spooky voice all week…what’s a good spooky voice…”
Ye Gods, God’s teeth, have we uncovered an old 1970s ouji board? Has it tried to moon us?
Yes! [And it probably will later on too!]
But enough mooning (it’ll only conjure up chat about fisting…more on that later), let’s talk…
Dis: “We have a gorgeous creature to start off the evening…are you excited?”
Midnight Iris arrives on stage in black satin, feather headdress….
[Song: Sweet Dreams]
Midnight begins to dance…
Back of dress tease…ZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIPPPPP!
Oh there’s a PVC corset underneath! Wonderful!
The dance continues – dark, teasing, beautiful, bewitching…it’s a hypnotic rhythm bouncing back and forth…big fans sweeping through the air…
The top goes flying…spider nipple covers over the breasts.
An ass shake! A shimmy! A kick, a flick, a crescendo to finish!
Dis: “Our next act is Transylvania’s IT girl. She’s ooky, spooky, deliciously kooky…coming to see you for your viewing pleasure…”
Oh F***! It’s Cousin IT! Loooooooong hair all the way down the ass…
[Addams family tune]
IT starts to dance…it’s a funky thing this IT….
IT pulls its hair off its face…and the music changes:
[The Doors: People are Strange]
Oh, very cool…there’s a psychedelic mutation into a 60s dance – IT’s hair has swept away from its face and is now a skirt!
The dance continues…it’s devious and alluring…more hair comes away to reveal Terri Murder…a gorgeous lady underneath…tattoos and a flower in the hair…the skirt comes off…it’s a full on a Addams family freaky beach babe!
Tassels made out of hair!
The swishing continues to swish…it’s exotic, sun drenched, it’s floral, fiendish….it’s magnificent!
Dis: “One of my favourite things about Halloween is haunted houses…an immersive experience of horrors…now we’re all going to shut our eyes…and imagine…imagine you feel hot…imagine…”
“Ladies and gentlemen…”
Ali Katte wanders through the crowd and onto the stage…
[Song: Red Right Hand]
She’s wearing a white dress, a cross necklace, she’s barefoot with wire over her forearm…this is southern Gothic at its finest…
Ali dances…pulls a bible from her pocket…starts to hit herself in the face with it! This continues…it’s a religious revelation…are there beasts that we cannot see? Is she having an epiphany?
The haunting and hysteria grows and grows…Ali is shaking, rocking back and forth…
Breasts pop out! Ali collapses on the floor…she’s been reduced…religion has swept her away…
Dis: “Now if you want to hear a real horror story…GRINDR!
Lol…oh…now where is this one going…
“I once got a message at nine in the morning…the contents of which pretty said…I want to fist you until bum gravy drips down your leg…”
“Uggghhhh I know…and all this while I was at work in an accounting office…”
“Anyway, are you ready to be spooked and scared?
“I have something that will deeply torment you…it’s a wicked, wicked clown…put your hands together for…”
Bop arrives on stage looking wickedly fiendish…clown face, stripy outfit, BIG red hair! [there’s also a little clown hat on top of the hair]
Bop begins to dance slowly to some kind of trippy, madness inducing music box music…
She pulls out a long balloon…just what chaos awaits? The balloon goes into her mouth..
It’s burst, popped, shrivelled…it looks like a tiny penis!
The tiny balloon penis is hurled, chucked, strewn away…it’s no use anyway!
Bop dances to the circus sounds…BUT!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOP!
BIG DANCE MUSIC!
Off goes the clown suit! Latex underneath – black and white stripe – WOOHOOO!
And there’s some action butt ass shake!
The corset is off, flung away into the ether…and there’s a long balloon – going down the throat…bit by bit, inch by inch…it’s a long balloon!
The balloon goes further….swallow! Swallow! SWALLOW! It’s gone all the way…and there’s blood pouring out of Bop’s mouth…Gnnnaaaaaaaaaaa!
WAP! WAP! WAP!
Bop dances towards the audience…someone’s gonna get it…they do! A BIG LICK across their face…blood and makeup everywhere!
Bop is done…she’s had her fun…her bra goes off – flung into the air like a piece of skin…and she’s gone!
Well that was vivacious and terrifying in equal amounts. But anyway, love the clown…
Dis: “The only thing that can make it hotter is to bring out the mother of the CoochieCrunch…”
Tuesday’s all big and green! With black clothes and fishnets and heels…look at the picture:
Tuesday moves in time to the music…
Strip a little bit more!
There’s a very big and mischievous look on her face…
But wait! Glitter nipples!
But wait even more!
Goo! No, make that GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
No, really, we’re not lying…there’s GOOOOOOO! Tuesday has a whole bunch of it…and she’s tipping it all over herself…slime, Tuesday, slime. Goooooooo, Tuesday, goooooo!
It’s everywhere this goo…it’s up her arms over her body…it’s all gone gooey…
[fuck that’s a cheap way for me write an ending…hang on…]
Tuesday rubs the rest of the gloop all over herself…and then she’s off…
Dis: “I WANT YOU TO SAY BOO!”
“It’s our next act…”
Morning Star enters…proceeds to cover me in ticker tape…lol…
Morning Star…Black outfit, bottom half of the face hidden by a veil…hmmm something’s going down in a minute, something cheeky awaits…something’s going to happen…
…the veil’s off:
A FREDDIE MERCURY MOUSTACHE!
“Don’t stop me now” BLASTS out of the speakers….
It’s Freddie Mercury for Halloween!
Morning Star gets into her striptease – fling-fling-fling-clothes going off in every direction…fling-fling-fling!
A MASSIVE FAKE COCK!
It’s a big swinging dick swinging around in the ether..
SWING! SWING! SWING! WHUP! SWING! SWING! SWING! WHUP!
Ticker tape blasts all over the stage!
How incredibly triumphant!
Dis: “Wonderful wasn’t it? Maybe…just maybe…we have time for one more act…”
“Sometimes there are things you just have to wait for..ladies and gentlemen…”
FLEUR DU MAL!
Fleur du mal arrives on stage – blue / silver dress, ringlets of blonde hair…looking mischievous and a little bit miniature goddess like…
But she’s off quickly…how wicked…
Shimmy! Shimmy! Shimmy!
And the dress goes flying…[lots of flying dresses this evening…perfect for Halloween!]
Ooohh…small smalls and not much under her attire…an elegant tattoo running up her legs and torso…Razor blade tassels on her chest…
Fleur Du Mal continues to move…shaking this way and that…it’s a shimmy extravaganza to close out the show…a bottom here, a little ass shake there…it’s organised chaos…wonderful, alluring, beautiful, bedevilled and charming…
What a flourishing end to the show…all in all…what a huge dose of Halloween brilliance!
Swish along freakishly to CoochieCrunch for more info on shows in 2017 and 2018.
All photos courtesy Tony Barrett Powell Photography