Archive: Bristol Burlesque Festival 2017: Paradise!

Bristol Burlesque Festival 2017
23rd September

PARADISE

It’s a gorgeous crowd tonight for our second night at the Bristol Burlesque Festival 2017. There’s a little bit of leather, a little bit of PVC, a little bit of mischief and a little bit of FUN. Actually that’s a lie. There’s TONS OF FUN! We love a bit of leather, we love a bit of PVC, we love a bit of mischief, and we certainly LOVE A WHOLE TON OF FUN!

And speaking of FUN… here’s our host for the evening: the mad, the beautiful, the eloquent, delectable…

DIS-CHARGE!

Dis-charge is wandering around in a black kimono with a gold waist tie, flowers on his head, red jewellery, and a giant necklace…

Oh but what’s this… Dis is off and running already with his mayhem inducing striptease…

Body!

TEASE!

Shoulder!

TEASE!

Corset, nipple, barefoot…

TEASE!

Dis-charge dances slowly to the music: it’s a smooth and beautiful thunder, erotic; the power of hypnosis is bewitching; a constellation of energy; white dwarf stars exploding. Ahhh, what joy, what splendour, what…

BOTTOM!

(he had to ruin the mystique didn’t he!)

Dis: “Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen,” says Dis, “…how are we feeling?

GOOD!

“The last few days has been me inhaling cigarettes…

…so that means the show is going to be made up of heavy breathing for over two hours! Yhhhhhhh Yhhhhhhh Yhhhhhhh…”

“We have a cornucopia of creation tonight… let’s kick things off in a high gear… twenty minutes of everyone going…

OMMMMMMMM!

Lol

“We have renegade strippers and all manner of fun on display… our first act for tonight is…”

RHIANNON WHITE!

Rhiannon slinks onto the stage and begins to wrap herself around the pole that’s currently taking centre place…

She’s tall, lithe, elegant, dark hair and the owner of long, long, looooong legs…

Rhiannon writhes around the pole the music…

Bottom in the air! Leg stretch!

Ummm boop!

Uh huh!

Uh hnmmm!

Rhiannon spreads her legs, wraps them tightly around the pole. Waving her heels she begins to move in a slow and rhythmic manoeuvrer.

Slow, slooooooww. Legs stretched out

Now a slow move up the pole (how do they do that?)

Slow, slow, slow…

HEEL SLAP! KA-PU-SH!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

What a fun start!

Dis: “This person here,” says Dis, pointing to someone in the crowd, “is an ordained minister…and we’re all getting married!”

lol

“What is Bristol?”

BOOM!
(some sound disturbance in the background)

“…It’s the Mic drop of the century…!”

Lol…it is!

“I’m going to have some fun with the crowd” says Dis, excitedly, maniacally…”The group on my right… you’re the DOMINANT TOPS!”

“Scream for me Dominant Tops!”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMM!

“Ohhhhh orgasm!”

“You people in the middle… you’re the switch hitters. Scream for me, Switch Hitters!”

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

“Ohhhhhhh… hmmm…”

“And finally, the group on my left… you’re the GREEDY BOTTOMS!”

“Scream for me Greedy Bottoms!”

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

“Oh my good god….”

Dis-Charge is practically on his knees!

“Okay, on three we’re going to take it in turns…”

“Dominant tops!”

>>>>>>>SCREEEEEEEEEAAAAMMM!

“Switch hitters!”

><<><><><><><><><>WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

“Greedy Bottoms”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” says Dis-charge, practically overcome…”Thank you!”

“Now all at the same time!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>SCREEEEEAAAAM<><><>WOOOOOOOOOO!<<<<<WAAAAHHHHHH!

“AhhhhhhhhhhOHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHUHHHHhhhhhh”

Lol

And breathe…

Dis: “Our next performer is the ultimate renegade stripper… and a member of the Las Vegas Burlesque Hall of Fame… Ladies and Gentlemen…”

RUBYYY JONES!

Rubyyy bounces onto the stage: big blonde hair, blue sequin outfit. BIG, BIG, BIG LOVING, BIG, BIG, FUN!

YYY: “Hi… how are you doing tonight?”

We’re good!

Music thunders out of the speakers… [to the tune of I want to be loved by you]

“I want to be f****ed by you”

Boop-boop-dee-doo!

“I wanna be ****** by you..” [pulling face]

Fisting in Bristol… Ohhhhhh… uh… OOOOOHHHH!

“I wanna be…”

JUST YOU!!!!!

The boop-de-boop music is mutating into a funky mutherfucker!

“I want you to scream for me Mutherfuckerrrs!!!!”

SCREEEEEAAAAM!!!!

“Cheer for me assholes!!!”

Whooooohoooo!

YYY: Cross eyed, shimmy…

KABOOM FACE!

Doopdy-doopdy-doop-doop

“Scream for me!”

WOOOOOO!!!

LOUDER!

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

YYY reaches a crescendo… it’s a full on loved up anarcho sex funk!

The middle finger goes up!

“Muthafuckerrrs!”

“CHEER LOUDER!”

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!

“I wanna be….”

YYY:Cross eyed

The cape’s off… flung into the ether…

“CHECK OUT MY PERFECT BURLESQUE BODY!! Screams Rubyyy!

Voila!

Blue tasselled underwear and her Rubyyy Canadian bottom!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! screeeeeaaaams the crowd!

What beautiful mayhem!

Dis: “Are you palpitating with adrenaline?”

Phew!

Dis: “Our next act,” says Dis. “Is one of the badasset movers. Give it up for the glamorous, gorgeous…”

OPHELIA WHITE!

Ophelia leaps onto the stage: she’s blonde – shaved undercut all the way round. Awesome hairstyle!

Red silk, black lace dress, glitter chest.

The music starts, Ophelia starts to spin and spin… now she’s twisting, turning, she’s a cunning, wicked little firework…

…Detonating, vivacious, charming…

…A rhythmic dancing fireball…

Some clothes are abandoned, the dress goes flying… black knickers underneath, tattoos on her back.

Now our little firework stretches herself out on a chair…

Bra off! Kicking out her legs!

KABOOM!

Wunderbar!

Dis: “Let’s have a little chat… onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…

….CENSORSHIP!”

“We have a power system in this country…

…It mostly involves women’s bodies…

…Something decided that on a woman is disgusting is okay on a man…

…BBF and other shows rally against this… FUCK YOU we can wear this, we can wear that…

…This leads us into the next act…”

TRIXI TASSELS!

Trixi enters: red hair, gold suit, reggae basslines and vibes creep sexifully out of the stereo…

Trixi has some signs:

[FEMALE NIPPLES = DANGEROUS]

Trixi has Xs on the nipples…

Trixi dances…

Boop-doop-doop-boop

The words of the music play along with the act:

“One thought!”

“Give it to me one time, two time”

Nipple covers off!

[False nipple stickers underneath]

Another sign:

[MALE NIPPLES = OK]

Tixi keeps up her little reggae skanking… [I do like a dance to reggae and dub I’m happy to admit]

(which is why we’re dancing in our seat!)

“One thought!”

“Give it to me one time, two time…”

[MY NIPPLES = DEFINITELY ILLEGAL]

WOOOOOOO!!

Zing…

Nipple stickers off!

Real nipples on show!

Middle finger goes up!

Ass slap! KA=PU-SH!

WOOOOOO!!!

And now it’s time for a break!

INTERVAL

Gin!

ACT II

Dis is back and he’s encountered a costume change: a long, long, loooooong lacy number… huge, huge, hooooj heels and some cabaret flowers in the crown…

Dis: “The BBF couldn’t happen without the crowd participation. Give yourself a round of applause…”

Whooooooo!

“This next act… this is going to be fucking crazy… this gorgeous creature is oozing sensuality…”

BONNIE KNOCKERS!

Bonnie slinks her way onto the stage: white fur robe, white dress, delectable, deviant, a darling in spades…

[Song: She’s a lady – remix]

Tease!

Fur wrapping around the front row of the crowd…

Ooof bra off!

Bend over!

Woah! Blood on her bottom! Blood on her groin! Blood on the gloves!

The tease to end all teases… glove off?

WILL SHE / WON’T SHE…WILL SHE / WON’T SHE

Ooooooh!

Teasing the glove…

She has! It’s off!

Bonnie: “Could you check if there’s blood on my shirt…”

Bonnie reaches into her bra, pulls out a Galaxy wrapper…

“What!”

“I’ve got my eyes on you!” says Bonnie, pointing her fingers into her eyes and back at the audience… we’re marked!

Now the robe’s off: bloody knickers, bloody butt… and there’s more:

Bonnie pull out a tampon! And then…

A maxi pad…

The pad EXPLODES! IN A SHOWER OF MAXI PAD TICKER TAPE!

There’s glitter and ticker-tape everywhere… the front row is revelling in it!

Bra off!

Tassels – shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, SHAKE!

Woohooo!

Bonnie grabs hold of the bloody tampon – blood – wipes stripes on the cheeks!

WOOOOOO!!!

What. A. Fucking. Warrior!

Gorgeous!

Dis: “I fucking love the BBF, don’t you!?”

Whoop! Whoop!

“The BBF works across multiple viewpoints,” says Dis “…like Breitbart news… Steve Bannon’s idiot bastard… so in keeping with that… our next act… is…

DONALD TRUMP!
(Good Ness Gracious)

Ye Gods! God’s Teeth… it actually is the Donald!

F***k!

Donald is there…suit, baseball cap, looking every bit the obnoxious creep we all loathe him for!

[American Idiot by Green Day rips through the crowd]

Donald makes a V sign around his mouth… wagging tongue <V> wagging tongue…

Oh, there’s some audio quotes…

[We need to build a wall]

Donald waves money. Money make Donald SHIMMY! SHIMMY DONALD SHIMMY!

[I’m gonna bomb the hell out of ’em]

Now the STARS & STRIPES IS OUT! It’s waving around in triumph!

Jacket off, trousers down… wriggle, wriggle, wriggle…

USA KNICKERS!

SLAP! SLAP! BELLY SLAP!

Freedom Donald Freedom!

Shirt tease! Tease! Tease! Will it come off…

It does!

But this this next bit is better…

It’s A

DONALD TRUMP ASS SHAKE!

SHIMMY! SHAKE! ASS WILL QUAKE!

Green Day mutates into:

[America…FUCK YEAH! From Team America]

And there’s a slogan on the bra…

[Fear leader]

And back comes the U.S. Flag.

Wow! Amazing!

The Donald get up has winged and wound its way into a…

CHEERLEADER OUTFIT WITH POM POMS!

Hence the ‘Fear Leader’

Donald goes crazy… too much sun, too much sugar, too much tongue at Mar-a-Lago!

Donald bounces like a big bad baby pres… now he’s running around the crowd like a fucking loon!

Dancing, shaking ass!

Shake, shake, shake!

Cheetos and Mountain Dew join the fray…it’s pure indulgent Americanisms!

Donald goes even more crazy-mofo-mad: flinging cheetos around the room and into the crowd, pouring Mountain Dew all over his chest and ass…

IT’S AN EXPLOSION OF CHEETOS AND MOUNTAIN DEW!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! WOOOHOOOO!

What an awesome performance!

Two stage managers begin to clean up the Trump-Cheeto-Mountain Dew wreckage (or is that the Democrats in 2020?)

“Would you like to use me as a human swiffer?” says Dis-charge, kindly volunteering to help out.

“I’m going to have a roll on the floor…DON’T AVERT YOUR EYES!”

The front row…averts its eyes…

“You can see right into the Devil’s eyes!”

lol You can!

With the stage cleaned and Dis crinkled up like a pretzel…

“Now it’s time to party with… I give you…”

KHESKI KOBBLER!

Kheski steps out onto the stage…

Fuck me! It’s Maggie Thatcher!

It is! Well, kinda, but, not as we loathed her!

Maggie has a blue skirt suit, hand bag, big, Big, BIG hair, and ‘MT’ on her back.

The music begins to play… it’s a dance tune from waayyyyyy back….

[Acid party – song]

It’s Acid House Maggie Thatcher!

[Let’s have a party… acid party… let’s have a rave]

Lights strobing!

[Eating tabs of acid]

Maggie twists, turns…

BAM BAM BAM!

The music and quotes continue… it’s a Maggie Thather quote-o-rama!

Jacket off! Smiley face bra and knickers under the clothing.

ha ha! Fantastic!

Now Maggie dances towards the crowd… the rest of the clothes are off… smiley faces on nipples!

And done!

That was a lightning bolt of 80s love and enjoyment which Dis sums up perfectly:

Dis: “You’d think with all that free love she’d have some of that for the country!”

“Now it’s time for some dirty bumping and grinding… ahhhh TONGUE POP!

“POP!”

“Our next act is..”

KITTY VON SHIMMY!

Kitty Von Shimmy arrives on stage…BIG BOAS and a RED AND GOLD DRESS

Disco funk music takes over the sound system….

Bam Bam Bam

Tight funk, tight moves, but slow moves – this is brew of incendiary proportions…

Tease!

Shake ass!

Von Shimmy teases further, shows her zipper…

Tease, tease, tease…

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIP!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Wiggle ass! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle…

But now freedom!

The hair comes undone – it’s a massive detonation of joy!

BAM-BAM-BAM!

Von Shimmy calls up the crowd… calling, calling, CALLING!

There’s tension (the right kind), temperature rising, frustration (the best kind)… it’s boiling, poised to go off… it’s gonna go… it’s going… it’s…

BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM!

WOOOO!

The end of the act blows the senses of the crowd into a crescendo of applause!

Phew…

Even Dis is taking a moment to catch is breath.

Dis: “We have one more creature just for you. Oh, alright twist my arm…

…We have an icon, a legend in our midst!”

JEEZ LOUEEZ!

Jeez Loueez bounces onto the stage in a blue dress. There’s jazz music… it’s fiery, it’s adventurous… it’s hidden scientific symbol of FREEDOM!

Loueez dances towards and into the crowd… but then!

Eyebrow raised!

Da-da-da

Blue corset

Cha-cha-cha-cha

Corset tease!

Da-da-da-da

Ass shake!

Tease!

Corset off!

Tease!

Ass shake!

Wiggle!

Kick out, kick long, kick sweetly…

Ass shake!

Loueez spins, dances freely… she’s gone beyond burlesque and into her own little piece of the ether…

Bra off!

Ass SLAP!

KA-PU-SH!

Ass SLAP!

KA-PU-SH!

Ass shake! Shimmy! Shimmy! Shimmy!

ASS SHAKE!

VOILA!

Total Freedom! Total dominance!… Jeez Louiz has been a free form parade of chaos and mayhem!

Wonderful! And Badass!

Fin

What can you say about all of that? It was a fucking riot! What absolute carnage and gorgeous freedom and abandon! Thank you BBF!

All images copyright Tony Barrett Photo. Please go to tbpphoto.co.uk

Full lineup:
Host: Dis-Charge
Performances by: Kheski Kobler – London, UK, Ophelia Wilde – Bristol, UK, Rhiannon White – Bristol, UK, Good Ness Gracious – London, UK, Rubyyy Jones – London, UK, Kimmy Von Shimmy – UK, Trixi Tassels – Aukland, NZ, Bonnie Knockers – UK, Jeez Loueez, USA

bristolburlesquefestival.co.uk