Hundred Watt Club
Old Market Theatre, Brighton
2nd December, 2017

Host: Laura Nixon as Marilyn!
Line up: The Death Do Us Part Danger Show, Bonnie Knockers, Josephine Shaker,
Cherry Shakewell, Lena Mae Lenman

I’ll start off this piece by saying…never try to run in leather trousers…that is entirely the domain of twentysomething TV presenters…not thirtysomething goofball writers who’ve forgotten their present for the show’s producer and have to run back to their hotel (and three flights of stairs) to collect the gift only to end up forgetting their show pad in the process. Ugh. Show notes written on tissues tonight. A new low (or high?) in our adventures.

Now we’ve got that lesson out of the way, here endeth the bugger. So woohoo! Let’s get on with the show.

Ah, Brighton, I’m starting to love you. I get to doll up like a man-tart in leather and rings and bracelets and no one gets offended…casual observers simply cast some interesting views and mutter…’oooohhhhhh’. Which is a good thing because the Hundred Watt Club is quite naughty-ish…and we like people who are naughty-ish.

It’s naughty-ish show…so let’s get naughty!

Starting the naughty….is…

OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT’S MARILYN MONROE!!!!

WOW!

There is she is with long blonde hair and an even longer white dress.

Looooooooooonggggg and floaty!

Marilyn Monroe (Laura Nixon) by Scott Chalmers

“Good evening everybody,” says Marilyn. “Heaven’s so boring…you can’t drink, you can’t screw…”

ha ha!

And the chitter-chatter continues…

“So the rumours about me and Kennedy and his brother were true…plus he’s ENORMOUS!”

Blimey! I always liked JFK but I didn’t know that!

But onward:

“I’m the visual representation of mental illness…you will want to fuck me but that is normal!”

haha!

“But now for our first act…it’s the Lady who runs the Hundred Watt Club…”

LENA MAE!

Ooohhhh Lena has Christmas music blaring out ahead of her arrival on stage…

…are we in the mood for such festivities?

YES!

“The weather outside is frightful…let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”

Lena Mae by Scott Chalmers

And here’s Lena…getting some festive freak on…red outfit, red headdress, red heels…the works…she’s even got a frilly (or thrilly!) red tail!

So here we go…Boop-de-boop-de-boop-BOOP!

Yow!

Some dirty boogie type thang from Lena as the song continues…

“The weather outside is frightful…let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”

Lena’s prancing like a Christmas treat…a beautiful ornament on a most exclusive tree!

Lena dances, moving swiftly, elegantly…and with HUGE FRIVOLITY!

Dance, dance, dance…tail up, bottom down, tail up, bottom shimmying around!

The tail swirls, shimmies around Lena…Shimmy! Shimmy! Shimmy! Shake!

Tease! Corset!

Tease, corset, tease!…and it’s off!

Whup! Thrown high into the air and all over the stage!

And now glitter! Tons of glitter!

It’s a festive mayhemy glitter-bomb!

KABOOM!

And there’s a little more teasing…Lena tickles her bottom…winks at the audience…

A BIG BLOWN KISS 🙂

..and she’s gone!

WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!

WOOHOO!

Fantastic.

Look out, Jack, Marilyn’s back!

And she’s wandering the crowd…sweeping up to an audience member she asks:

“I’m not going to ask you to dance but…oh, she’s opened her legs!”

I say!

“Can I borrow this,” says Marilyn, swooping for a bottle of wine. Before she gets the answer the wine is being downed…down, down, down…gulp, burp…woohoo!

“Thank you so much” says Marilyn, spitting a little bit of vino back into the bottle. “Now our next act is filled with danger…It’s the…”

DEATH DO US PART DANGER SHOW!

Sounds exciting! And even quite ravishing!

But is it?

It is!

A man wanders onto the stage – this is Charlie Atlas…followed by Rachel Atlas. Charlie’s dressed up in a jacket with all sorts of knives attached. Rachel’s looking glorious in a headdress, corset and heels and tattoos on display. Gorgeous.

There’s a big board on stage waiting for something venomous to strike…but will it?

It will!

Rachel stands next to the board, the man produces a knife…oh, stand back now, a little smile to the audience…and there goes the knife…hurtling towards the Rachel…

THWACK! DOOF!

…and more knives…

THWACK! DOOF!

THWACK! THWACK! DOOF!

THWACK! DOOF!

THWACK! THWACK! DOOF!

[getting a bit of rhythm going on here…Let’s Get in On…Oooohhh Let’s get it on…]

Death Do Us Part Danger Show by Scott Chalmers

Rachel: “This next act’s called the ‘Facefuck’…because if it goes wrong it’ll fuck my face!”

Crikey.

Rachel puts a big balloon in her mouth, stands next to the board. Uh oh, the knives are coming out…many knives, big knives…flinging knives…

THWACK! DOOF!

Close!

THWACK! THWACK! DOOF!

Closer!

THWACK! DOOF!

Ooooh!

THWACK! THWACK! DOOF!

KABOOM! POP!

There goes the balloon!

Rachel: “We’ll be back in the second act with something even more dangerous!”

That was great fun!

Oh now this is cool. The lights are on Marilyn and there’s a silhouette in black and white on the wall behind…do you remember the fuzzy black and white footage of Marilyn singing ‘Happy Birthday, Mister President’ to JFK? That’s what this reminds me of. Very sweet.

Next up…it’s…

CHERRY SHAKEWELLL!

And her L-E-Double Ds!

The stage goes dark…very dark…are we in the night? Are we in space? If we’re in space then no on can hear you scream? If no one can hear you scream, can they hear you WHOOP!

Fuck yes they can!

WHOOOOOOOOP!

Cherry Shakewell by Scott Chalmers

Cherry Shakewell rips onto the stage…dressed up in an incredibly delectable sci fi queen get up with a sequin dress, a vast cape, a wicked headdress… and and and…LED tassels on her chest blazing brightly like a couple of comets heading for earth!

ZZOOOOOOOOM! ZZOOOOOOOOM!

Flick, twirl, space girl whirl! [that’s a cheap rhyme let’s face it]

The L-E-Double Ds fling around the stage like a rip-roaringly beautiful meteor shower…very festive funnily enough…

That was a fast act…but I have to say the L-E-Double Ds worked brilliantly in the darkness!

Next up…

JOSEPHINE SHAKER!

Hmmm…there’s something afoot here…there’s a bit of a nature documentary feel…some narration about…about…about…

BEES!

Bzzzzzzzzz…..Bzzzzzzz

Josephine Shaker appears…she’s dressed as a bee!

(well it does kinda fit, duh!)

The narration goes on: “She dances a nectar dance…”

Josephine Shaker by Scott Chalmers

Josephine fires up a Waggle dance…and some hip hop tap dancing…

Tippty-tip-tippty-tip-tippty-top-toop!

And off she flies…buzz buzz buzz…away into the side of the stage…Bzzzzzz….

Bzzzzz…

But now she’s back with another waggle dance…doop-de-doop-de-doop!

Woohooo!

A very fine lesson in bees!

And Marilyn’s back…but what’s she got with her? It’s a ukulele! Is she about to have a strum?

She is!

“In heaven you can’t just masturbate yourself to death,” says Marilyn. “So I had to learn the ukulele.”

haha!

Marilyn Monroe (Laura Nixon) by Scott Chalmers

“Having a strum in the dark…do it twice a night…”

“Would you like to see my ookie pookie…no one likes my ookie pookie better than me…”

Wonderful! Glorious!

And with that…

INTERVAL

Gin! [and no running in leather! No! No! Oh, go on then…]

ACT II

The lights are down and Marilyn’s on the prowl…prowl, Marilyn, prowl…

“I asked a hundred and forty-seven people for a drink…not one drink!”

Ah….I knew we forgot something…shall we run out and get one? [no, no more running!]

“But I’m on cocaine anyway so I’m super buoyant!”

Toot toot!

Woohoo!

“Now it’s time for our first act of the second part of the show…”

DEATH DO US PART DANGER SHOW!

Danger! High Voltage by the Electric Six blasts out of the speakers…

“Fire in the Disco…Danger, danger…high voltage!”

Rachel is wearing a gold and glittery corset…as for Charlie…well, he’s in a leather hat and mask…this shit could get fearsome!

And what dangerous escapades are they getting up to this time?

Rachel: “It’s about to get really dangerous…this time the knives are going to be thrown at a moving target!”

And. Here. We. Go!

L >>>>R>>>THWACK! L>>>>R>>>THWACK!

DUCK! >>>L>>>THWACK! DUCK! >>>R>>>THWACK!

DUCK! THWACK! DUCK! THWACK!

Crikey!

“Was that dangerous enough for you?”

Dangery, yes!

But we’d FUCKING LOVE SOME MORE!

“Charlie is going to throw two knives at once now…this is what we like to call…DOUBLE PENETRATION!”

THWACK! THWACK! DOOF!

Ohhhhhh!

“Now this is what call…the mini face fuck!”

It’s a smaller balloon than before – a smaller target! Very dangerous!

THWACK! THWACK! POP! KABOOM!

The balloon goes…the face stays where it is…Rachel spits out the end of the balloon!

[nice touch!]

“Now for our final piece…”

Charlie has some axes…Rachel has a cucumber…

Hmmmm…axes + cucumber = …

Mayhem!

Death Do Us Part Danger Show by Scott Chalmers

Rachel stands at the board…Charlie waits, poised for action…Rachel pops the cucumber into her mouth…ooohhhh silence…

It’s cool, it’s quiet, it’s serene…

Wumph!

CHOP!

One bit falls…

Wumph!

CHOP!

Two bits fall…

Wumph! Wumph! Wumph!

CHOP!

CHOP!

CHOP!

Gone! The cucumber is in pieces!

Incredible!

And that’s an understatement!

What huge fun!

Next up….

BONNIE KNOCKERS

Bonnie slinks her way onto the stage…White fur robe, white dress, delectable, deviant, a darling in spades…

[Song: She’s a Lady – remix]

Tease!

Bonnie lets her fur robe wander around herself… this is elegant, exotic, seductive…

Bend over!

Woah! Blood on her bottom! Blood on her groin! Blood on the gloves!

There’s blood everywhere…

Bonnie Knockers by Scott Chalmers

The tease to end all teases…glove off?

WILL SHE / WON’T SHE…WILL SHE / WON’T SHE

Ooooooh!

Teasing the glove…

She has! It’s off!

Bonnie reaches into her bra, pulls out a Galaxy wrapper…

Now the robe’s off – bloody knickers, bloody butt…and there’s more:

Bonnie pull out a tampon! And then…

A maxi pad…

The pad EXPLODES! IN A SHOWER OF MAXI PAD TICKER TAPE!

There’s glitter and ticker-tape everywhere…

Bra off!

Tassels – shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, SHAKE!

Woohooo!

Bonnie grabs hold of the bloody tampon – Blood – Indian stripes on the cheeks!

WOOOOOO!!!

Next up…

JOSEPHINE SHAKER!

Josephine arrives on stage to some kind of samba music…she’s in a gold dress and a massive, huge, headdress made out of fruit!

“This is all from Dolce and Banana,” she says, wiggling across the stage and into the crowd…

Josephine has a song…a little serenade about a former lover named Julio…

How sweet? But is it?

Ummmm we’ll find out!

To accompany the song Josephine has sweet-talked a man from the audience onto the stage to help with the act. And what is his name, this man?

“Julio!”

Oh ah!

So here we go:

Josephine: “You have to hold me…”

Josephine Shaker by Scott Chalmers

“Aye yai yai…aye yai yai…”

Breast slap! Legs up!

And now a little lovey dovey tap dance…

Tip-tap-tip-tap-tip-tap-tip!

Aye yai yai!

Stop!

Fruit goes flying…

And now Josephine has a banana silhouette as a penis…

Oh my!

A little kiss, a little giggle, a little wiggle…and off!

Next up…

LENA MAE!

Some music…”Walking in the air” [from The Snowman]

Now this is very festive…

Lena sweeps onto the stage [she’s quite a sweeping lass that Lena] dressed in white and feathers and a big headdress…actually BIG isn’t quite BIG enough…EPIC! Yes!

EPIC!

And off goes Lena…

Floating, a snowflake…a blizzard of beauty!

Lena Mae by Scott Chalmers

Lena swirls – the cape goes flying…Lena swings and shimmies, shimmies and swings…dress goes a little bit, dress goes a little bit more…the dress comes tumbling down elegantly around her…

The feathered fans come out…a swishing dance of winter’s bedevilry…glitter and snow float through the air from out of the fans…

Lena pulls herself into a swan shape on the stage…legs up, up UP!

A kick of the heels!

And she’s off! A little kiss to see us into the final part of the show…

Now Marilyn’s back for one last memento…

“I’m going to say goodbye with a song…Diamonds are a girl’s best friend…”

And what a voice! This a HUGE voice…what BIG LUNGS this lady has…Laura Nixon has a voice pitched somewhere between the end of the world and the birth of a new one…

“But diamonds…”

“…diamonds are a girl’s…best friend!”

Fin

Run along (make sure it’s in leather!) to the Hundred Watt Club for more info on upcoming shows in 2017 and 2018.

All images courtesy Scott Chalmers Photography 

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