Apothecary: The Beginning!
10th January 2018, Haunt, Stoke Newington
Host: Driscoll Bleak
Stage Managers: Poppy Liqueur, Sirene Fox
Lineup: Anna Lou Larkin, Lick von Dyke, Scarlett Lassoff, Pearl Grey, Adam All, Olive Hooters, Demelza Fox, Naomi Wood
With Mariposa Bop on the lam from the authorities after a multi-million pound diamond heist, and Kitty ‘Indiana’ Petite grappling through the jungles of South America in search of lost gold and buried treasure, it was left to Poppy Liqueur (with a little bit of help from Sirene Fox) to not only make sure the show ran smoothly, but to also keep Driscoll Bleak from causing untold chaos…
Which if you’ve seen him is uh… a tricky conundrum… let alone a workable position.
So without further ado, here he is…
DRISCOLL BLEAK arrives on stage… tall, debonair, top hat, tails, cane, white gloves… has he been at the gin already?
“What sound would you make if I were to take a little bit of my clothing off?”
“Now what if I whipped my trousers off…but instead of a penis there’s a lizard smoking a pipe!”
Now there’s a thing!
But here’s another:
“It’s my birthday…and what do we do on my birthday?”
Crowd: [mumble, mumble, mumble] eyes averted…
“I’m going to delve into the opium madness… pander to you panting whims… you are a room of people so bereft of morals that you’ll put your name forward to the candidacy of the President of the United States of America…”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, give your all to…”
There’s Olive… dark hair and wearing a raincoat, scarf, gloves, and carrying an umbrella…
Olive starts to sing: “Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky…”
The umbrella goes down, the gloves begin to be teased from her wrists and fingers…
“Stormy weather… can’t get myself together…”
Scarf off… coat tease… hmmm… there’s a white corset underneath, white boots, silk underwear…
“So weary all of the time…”
Olive sits back on chair, opens a present… a box with a bow…
Ooooh now…unziiiiiiiiiiiip of the boooooots….
Rainbow socks within! Ha ha! Lovably colourful.
Now some small shoes are coming on… there’s a suggestion to what might come up in the future…
Corset tease… a little peak, a little sneak… corset off! Rainbow tassels…
And a rainbow tap dance!
Tip-tip-tippety-tap! (how does one do a tap dance sound effect in text anyway!?) Tip-tip-tippety-tap!
Petticoat off! Rainbow knickers…bottom!
“Forget your troubles and get happy…”
Ta-da! And voila… a tap dancing extravaganza!
Driscoll: “Now who’s ready for cake? The next act is a cake! An ecstasy of softness and all things nice… this lady here would not blush at being described as moist….”
“Please welcome to the stage the impish, fetishistic…”
Ohhhhh….Naomi wanders on to the stage…
Bare feet, nun’s habit, glittery chest… but then…
It’s off! The nun’s habit has been flung, discarded… there’s a man’s suit and a loosened tie underneath.
Dance, Nun, dance… jiggle, twist, bottom – Boop!
The shirt and tie go flying…
Naomi has white knickers, a sequin bra, and glitter EVERYWHERE!
Naomi reaches onto the stage floor – attacks the shirt with gusto…
Music: “I’m just too much for you!”
Naomi slinks up and down, writhes, moves, shimmies…
A heart is produced… tears flow, sobbing, crying jags and fever… fever turns into movement… a twisting, turning cavorting…
Naomi pulls out a beer bottle… POP:
Fizzing liquid runs down her body!
But what does Driscoll say?
“Wooo… did we all enjoy that?”
“Who misses the golden age of MC Hammer and Ace of Base?”
“It’s time for a dance off”
Richard and Ness will be dancing…they even have glow sticks!
Ness boogies, Richard… attempts to break dance… clearly he practices!
Actually dance offs are quite tricky to write, so take a look at this:
MG: It’s like one of 1990s chat back adverts…
But before we can make any more jokes, it’s over… Richard is the winner…
And winner gets…
…A picture of an armadillo!
Well done, Richard…
Driscoll: “Who wants to unzip another gift? This gift comes from the dizzying heights of baroque opulence… straight out of the eighteenth century…”
Ooooh, now this is very luscious… classical music, 18th century dress in shimmering blue/green, big sleeves, flower and a feather in her hair…
Cleavage tease! Oh, she’s quick!
Demelza floats around the stage… glorious, breezy… let them eat cake…
Chest tease… dress begins to slowly come off…
The music slows… a little eerie… violin, cello… but then…
Scratching and beats…
Shirt off! Chest rub! Corset tease! Knickers a go-go and a feathered fan dance to finish the show with a cumulative climax (whatever that is).
Ohhh, sultry… I liked that.
Driscoll: “So let’s see… you’ve had a gift, a cake… shame this next act is an impudent shit…
“Ladies and gentlemen…”
This could be cheeky: Pearl Grey… red dress… and a goose for company.
She’s Veruca Salt!
Hmmm, this will be cheeky… oh, there’s some audio:
“I want a feast…”
Veruca (we’ll stick with calling that) stomps around madly, she wants, she wants, she wants…
“I want pudding with ice cream… if I don’t get it I’m going to scream…”
But wait! Oompa Loompa hand puppets… how devious!
Make a wish…
“Come with me…”
“Ba ba ba ba”
Fucking the goose!
And she’s off…
Driscoll: “I’ve had a think about my position as the soul Y chromosome member of the parade of performers this evening… are we ready for more?”
“My favourite gift the Apothecary gave to me for my birthday… and when I prized open the lid… inside was a ornamental oil lamp… a flame flickered inside… I rubbed it like Arabian nights…and you know what came out?”
Scarlet enters the stage… she’s wearing a genie’s lamp… there’s a little bit of smoke… an some music…
“I’m a genie in a bottle…”
Scarlet slinks, Scarlet writhes…
Knickers-knickers-knickers-knickers… it’s a twisting turning hypnotic performance…
The music halts! Some vocals of her own:
“My body is saying no, my vagina is saying go…
…my body saying no, my heart saying go…
…my body is at his house, my body is sitting on his bed…
…my body is wanting to… my body is saying let’s go…”
Very clever, good show.
Driscoll: “I I indulge myself a mo,” says Driscoll, sitting on a chair at the front of the stage,” I’d like to tell you a story.”
Now this story is about Christina Aguilera selling leather gloves to a lady with a son who happened to become infatuated with Christina Aguilera… the short of which is…
“And do you know who that kid grew up to be… Walt Disney!”
And on we go!
“Next up we have the impish, fetishistic magnificence that is…”
LICK VON DYKE!
Well this looks exciting. Lick Von Dyke enters… hat, purple hair, dress, corset, latex top… and a strap on!
A most magnificent kaleidoscopic mistress of mayhem.
Lick has a song to sing… it’s a bit of a romp…
“Latex fashion… Rubber kink is welcome whether straight or queer…”
“Be my bitch…”
“Get on your knees…”
And a little note to the crowd at the end of the act…
“Today we have HE, today we have SHE…w e also have THEY. Respect that person… call them THEY.”
Ah, but where’s Driscoll? He’s gone. Removed, sedated… and bundled off to some convent somewhere in the mountains near Athens…
Rosie Kohl has leapt onto the stage: some fun and games… some hi jinks ensue…
Rosie: “I’m taking over now… we have a birthday game for Driscoll…”
Rosie: “Seeing as we won’t be having gin or not gin this evening… we’ll be having a birthday game of cake or not cake…”
This is where Driscoll will eat several different things and then announce whether he thinks they are cake or not cake… so without further ado…
1. Icing is smeared all over the object. A blob of something goes into his face…
D: “This is… is this someone’s elbow?”
R: “It’s a raw potato!”
2. Now this looks like it could be dangerous… perhaps even cannibalistic… it looks like a figurine covered in icing…
D: “It’s a cake!”
R: “It’s Edgar Allen Poe!”
Ah, this is something else…looks like clothing…but is it?
D: “It’s that underwear you keep making me wear!”
R: “He won a round!”
Oh, now what’s this? This could be interesting… it’s what could be known as a liquid delivery device…[no pic so you’ll have to imagine 😉 ]
D: “It’s so big… where does it end?”
R: “It’s an expired carton of almond milk!”
The man has done well. He won a round… and didn’t choke!
There’s a hint of an actual birthday cake in the air… but is there?
Poppy: “He’s really old so it’s taking a long time to light the candles…”
Driscoll: “Fuck whoever said that!”
The cake is produced… and Driscoll begins to slap his face into it…
While he’s eating… Who is next up tonight?
ANNA LOU LARKIN!
Anna Lou enters with her accordion… ten minutes of hardcore plink-plonk action awaits…
“Ah ooh… Anna Lou…”
“Ah ooh… Miss Anna Lou…”
“Say hello to my little friend,” says Anna Lou, introducing her musical instrument.”
“I tell love stories…
By the sounds of it this song will be merde…
No, that’s not a criticism… quite literally, the song is about shit! Or to be correct… scat! And it’s so gloriously rude that we can only give you a tiny little teaser…
“This is about a lover who had OCD for cleaning…”
“Bacteria on your posteria…”
“Flirt, flirt, flirt, what is I squirt?”
“Covered myself in…. for my lover to lick it off…”
“Poo! Poo! Poo! On my shoe… because of you!”
“Hell hath no fury like a woman dumped for poo sex…”
“Merci Au Revoir!”
Driscoll: “We have one more act for you… and oh my good god it’s a doozy!”
“This man is capable of something that you won’t be able to do…”
“He’s an icon of man sex… you’re going to be bowled over…”
Adam strides onto the stage looking suave: mustard coloured suit, bow tie, moustache, quiffed hair…
Adam: “Are we feeling eighties?”
And with that Adam begins to sing and dance a magic dance…
“We don’t have to take off our clothes to have a good time… dance and party all night…”
Adam strips…jacket off! Shirt discarded!
A quicky hot ziptease… ziiiiiiippppp…
Trousers off with reckless abandon!
Black underwear underneath… underwear off!
But there’s more: more underwear goes flying… it’s a staccato of undergarment abandon! One time, two time… the knickers go sailing… 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 layers of knickers… fast-faster-faster still… quickly knickers – go, go, GO! 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 layers of knickers!… pieces of knicker flung all over the stage and into the audience…
Until…the final pair:
All photos credit: Jon Ellis at JME-PHOTOART