Cabaret Roulette: Revolution
Royal Vauxhall Tavern, 12th October 2016
Line up: Miss Polly Rae, Red Sarah, Didi Derriere, Gimcrack, Dave the Bear, Eliza Delite, Anna the Hulagan, Ginger Cupcake,
Compere & Stage Manager: Lilly Snatchdragon & Pi the Mime
CABARET ROULETTE: REVOLUTION!
Somewhere out of the ether we can hear a voice, but whose voice and what are they saying and why?
“Hello!…”
Hmmm, sounds awfully familiar….
“So, I’m a little nervous … I’m not sure this is such a good idea…”
Now who EXACTLY could this be?
“Ummm…”
CURTAINS UP!
“Hello everyone!”
It’s…
LILLY SNATCHDRAGON!
And she’s wearing a BIG PINK DRESS!
(looking fantastic)
WOOOOOHOOOO! Bursts the crowd into whoops. WOOOOOHOOOO!
“I’ve never been allowed a microphone on my own before!” says Lilly. “I’m just used to upstaging!”
BIG ROARS OF LAUGHTER!
[notes unreadable :(]
…
“…Then you have a ping pong show!”
…
“You have pretty fingernails, when I say nails you cheer quietly. You can also have nice clothes. When I say clothes you cheer a bit louder, and when I say ping-pong, you cheer really loud!”
Lilly: “Nails!”
Crowd: “Roar!!”
Lilly: “Clothes!”
Crowd: “Roar!!”
Lilly: “Ping Pong!”
Crowd: “ROAR!!!”
“Ladies and Gentlemen….”
DIDI DERRIERE!
Didi wanders on looking like a 1950s American housewife – big pink frilly dress, rubber gloves, swept back all-Americana hairstyle. This is HOUSEWIFE 101! (jeepers, was life really like this back in 50s America?)
Didi has a little bit of audio to accompany her act: how women should cook for their husband, have his dinner ready when he gets home from work, things like that.
But then … Spoon licking? And the apron’s coming off! It’s a rebellion. A Housewife 101 rebellion! Bravo! Chaos, abandon, housewife 101 discarded and tossed aside forever!
Superb!
Lilly: “Did you enjoy that?!”
YES!
PI the Mime is up to something, something fun for the audience, but something that is irritating Lilly:
“My god you’re like a lingering fart! Go away!”
Pi: (sad face)
Crowd (sympathetically): Ohhhh…
[notes unreadable :(]
Lilly: “When I’m talking you must listen to what I have to say!…”
Ooh, okay. What is it? What is it? What is it?
Lilly: “I have a wedgie!”
ha ha!
GIMCRACK!
This looks pretty elegant: the duo known as Gimcrack has set themselves up as a pair of silent movie performers, complete with signs and music. Really cool, very 1920s.
All in all Gimcrack are fun-fun+fun-fun – tap dancing, banjos, slapstick and pratfalls…
So we’ve gone from the 50s to the 20s and now where? Whom? What? Where will this Cabaret Quantum Leap take us?
Lilly: “Nails!”
“Whoop!”
Lilly: “Clothes!”
“Hoorah!”
Lilly: “Ping-pong!”
“Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Raaaaaah!”
ELIZA DELITE!
Eliza bounds on with a record on her head, silk shirt, sequin skirt. Ah, something a little 60s? It looks pretty cool.
Eliza gets a little boogie going, dancing, dancing, dancing, but then:
Scraaaaaattchhhh…..
TAP! TAP! TAP!
Oh, shit, Eliza’s tap dancing!
TAP! TAP!
And a striptease! A TAPTEASE or maybe a STRIPTAP…
TAP! TAP! TAP!
Boop!
TAP! TAP! TAP!
Bottom!
TAP! TAP! TAP!
Ta da!
Lilly: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
[notes unreadable :(]
Oh, no, something’s going awry!
Lilly: “Go away!”
Pi: (sad face)
Lilly: “I don’t want him ever again!”
Pi: (sadder face)
Crowd: Ohhhhh!
[this is an ongoing pantomime…so who’s up next?]
DAVE THE BEAR!
Sweeeeet, in our eyes he’s The Ultimate Badass! (he is!) What’s he doing this time?
Dave ‘BIG HAIRY GROWLER’ Bear wanders through the crowd towards the stage…he’s dressed as a LATEX MATADOR!!! Wowsers – rubber trousers (got a few pairs myself), he’s a winner of hearts all over the land and all the way off it as well!
Growler swings his cape, “whupp, whupp, whupp, whupp!” Kisses the muscles, poses, sweeps his body and begins to pull away the dressing. It’s. A. A. A.
A big bear striptease!
…a big rubber bear getting less rubbery and oh so very bare…
And that’s it! Just a pair of rubber knickers!
An Agent Provcabear!
With the stage littered with latex, someone has to do something about all that discarded rubber…
Lilly: “Dare you to lick it!”
Pi: (slightly disgusted face)
Lilly: “Go on!”
Lilly and Pi have a little lick-lick of the latex. [to be fair latex is very fun…especially when you take it out of its storage bag and it goes ‘wobble-wobble-wobble’ and you think ‘oh, f***! I have got to wear that for sure! Yum!”
Lick-lick-lick-lick
Lick!
Anyway…
INTERVAL!
Gin!
SECOND CAT (I keep typing CAT instead of ACT…so SECOND CAT it is)
Pi is enjoying some short-lived freedom from Lilly … it’s an epic drama..
[notes unreadable 😦 ] But Lilly is now wearing a Kimono! And a corset!
Who’s going to kick off the next act?
ANNA THE HULAGAN!
Bounce, bounce, bounce, Anna bounces onstage like a furry psychedelic hippy; a Super Furry Animal!
Anyway, she’s wearing BIG BIG BIG SUNGLASSES. BIG! And BIG BIG BIG FURRY COAT. BIG! And something that could well be LSD in a water tube – one of those Camelbak pouches for global explorers or universal explorers or cosmic explorers.
Anna’s also got a big square hoop. Now what for?
Pink knickers … HULA HULA HULA HOOP!
Good fun!
Lilly: “She’s also batshit crazy!”
“Nails!”
“WHOOP!”
“Clothes!”
“WAHHHHH!”
“PING-PONG”
“WOOOOOHOOOO!”
“Ladies and Gentlemen….GINGER CUPCAKE!”
Ginger Cupcake bounds through the crowd…
Oh, F***! It’s Che Guevera! Beard, hat, rum. Viva, Viva, Viva
Viva La Revolucion!
Picking a man out of the audience Ginger plants him on a chair and begins to dance round him… da da da da da (some kind of dancing effect) da da da da
Ta-da!
Viva La Revolucion!
Che wanders off with the rum and Revolution.
Ah, now, what’s this? What’s Lilly up to?
Lilly is talking to the man on the chair…
“Hi…”
“Are you married?”
Man: “No.”
“Where are you from?”
Man: “Shropshire [is this correct? It starts with an ‘S’ so it could even be Saturn. Let’s go with Saturn…(no jokes about Uranus, please)
The man from Saturn (not Uranus) continues to look just a little bit uncomfortable … so let’s cut to…
MISS POLLY RAE!
Oh, cool … Express Yourself by Madonna! Nice notes, good rhythms, fun-go-go-fun!
Missy Polly Rae leaps onto the stage. What’s this? Some Barbie and Ken dolls getting cheeky with it? And and and…pointy nipples! Hmmm, some devious-delicious-ness-ness-mess around … a little stripstease, a little bump, boop, bimp, bam, bump-boopdy-boopdy-boop-boop!
Polly Rae!
And now for the final act!
REDSARAH!
Oh, shit, a fire act! We like those! And REDSARAH’S draped in an EU flag…
Flick, flick, flicker. Fling, flang, flame…
Burn, baby, burn!
Kaboom!
Red Sarah has literally torched the shit out of everything … even Brexit!
Oh, but wait, what’s this? There’s a Boris Johnson! And there’s a Theresa May! (no £995 leather trousers … but then Red Sarah would probably torch those as well) … what are they upto? Being Tory and Brexity and Toxity.
Kaboom!
There we have it!
Carnage. Cabaret. Mayhem.
VIVA LA
REVOLUTION!
For further fun and Cabaret Roulette in 2017, please go to cabaretroulette.co.uk
Mardi Gras Magazine 
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