The Apothecary: Unbirthday!
Haunt, 2nd November 2016
Promoter: Mariposa Bop
Starring: Tuesday Laveau, Cheekykita, Jody Kamali, Viva Lamore (NYC/Berlin)
Danger May, YippeeIKay, Poppy Liqueur
Kittens: Kitty Petite, Belle DeVere
Fun & Games: Gin or not Gin, Drawing pictures on Paulus’s headshots
Haunt restaurant, Stoke Newington, London. The venue’s a tiny little cellar bar beneath the main eating room. Wooden tables and chairs, mosaic tile floors, and a whole bunch of optics in the corner. All in all it’s a gorgeous and raucous little sweatbox…perfect for fangs, lip gloss and love in the gutter. And a BIG BIG dose of Burlesque, Cabaret, carnage, magic and mayhem.
MARIPOSA BOP wanders around coralling the audience into the tiny theatre, Kitty Petite peers cheekily round a curtain. What a pair of little scamps they are…
The audience is slowly gathering in its little arena…drinks are poured, snacks are gobbled…there’s a hum, a murmur…then…
All is quiet…
A boot appears from out of the curtains…it’s a big boot!
…there’s a little chuckle…a little intrigue…someone naughty is waiting to strike…strike like a Vampire in the dead of the night…
…there’s a little more chuckle, a little hiccup, a little more laughter…a dose of the strange, a hit of the macabre…and then!…
TA-DA!…the person has arrived on the stage. They’re here!
…It’s a BOP!
The Mariposa Bop is here!
And she’s wearing a big bad Jessica Rabbit Dress! Big!
“Hello!” says Bop in her warm Welsh accent. “Have you ever seen a Jessica Rabbit lookalike in boots as big as these?”
“So the concept of the show is that we’re in the head of a 19th Century chemist who has had a bit too much lead. The idea is random as f***”
“Here’s our host of the evening…PAULUS!”
PAULUS…a tallish handsome bald man dressed wonderfully in shiny leggings, a very tight satin shirt, and some decadent makeup wanders onto the stage…
“I’ve been stuck in an Uber for an hour and half…has anybody here ever been in an uber?”
Some have. There’s a few mumblings…
But before anyone can answer, Paulus has moved quickly onto his next endeavour: an audience attempt at livening up his performance headshots! Or as Paulus puts it:
“Gussy up the photos and we’ll give out a prize to the winner!”
Oh look, he’s off at Bop:
“Look at you in that red dress…(singing) ‘wear that red dress’ oh no that was Roxanne…oh that had a red light…”
Anyway, show go-go-go!
First act for the night…it’s:
Yippeeikay bounds on the tiny little stage dressed in her schoolgirl outfit. She’s carrying a hockey stick and has a little bit of a punky soundtrack…
That was fun!
Oh dear, Paulus is summoning up something from the audience…
“Can we have a Mexican wave?!”
And a mini mexican wave breaks out amongst the crowded room..
That’s a big big wave for the next act…
Poppy leaps onto the stage in a dark corset, a riding crop, loooooong leather gloves, and a yellowy, gingery, bright neon wig (hair by Shaba hair of Dalston?). She also has a table of lemons…hmmm….
I do like the dark clothes, riding crop and gloves. Yum!
Anyway, what about these lemons?
Poppy starts to cut up the lemons…sucking on them suggestively…
As she cuts away, she begins to strip and strip and strip…
A strip and a slice, a peel and a flick, a peel and a slice, a flick and a strip…
She’s down to her knickers…and the lemons…
They’re being rubbed on her breasts! And up her thighs! It’s a leery lemon extravaganza!
She’s going for lemon all over her body…citrus nudity…
(did those lemons ever think they’d be used in such a way? Do lemons think? Do they fantasize? Any Lemonologists out there?)
Danger…or is it May(?) leaps onto the stage…she’s 80s as f***! (compliment!)
Big hair, danger t shirt, leopard print knickers…this is an orgy of 80s epicness!!!
Danger riiiiiiiiiiiipppppppps off the t shirt…!!!! Knickers!!!!
“Our next act comes from New York via Berlin,” says Paulus. “Have you been to the clubs in Berlin? They’re amazing! So this should be exciting…Ladies and Gentlemen…VIVA LAMORE!”
VIVA LAMORE wanders through the crowd in a maid’s outfit…very sweet, definitely going to be devious…
And she is!
Viva entices a man from out of the audience…is he prepared? Is he ready? Is he about to be used like a lemon?
The man is tied up on a chair, a tiara placed on his head. Viva en-trances, enhances her lack of clothing…strip-boopdy-boop-strip-boopydy-boop-strip…little by little there’s not much left on except for yin-yang nipple covers, her slender black underwear and a
SUPER MASSIVE STRAP ON!
Now what exactly is that going to be used for? And where? Will we be seeing this? Are we participating in an adult video experiment?
It’s getting steamy…
Viva brings out a dog collar, wraps it around the man’s neck. He’s a slave to her evening’s indulgence…a plaything, a puppet on a string, a gimp in man’s clothing…
Click, click, click, click…the collar’s tightened, strapped on like a vice. He’s locked. Ready for action…
…Viva has the man on all fours crawling through the room to a huge round of applause!
That was fun!
Oh, look, there’s Kitty Petite…
Gin! Gin! Gin! Paulus begins to sing…(I have absolutely no idea what) But I think he’s singing while sitting on Dickie Dalliance! Sitting pretty on Dickie while singing a pretty little song about Dickie…
Next up! It’s…
Jody starts his show by dancing in the air with a plastic Sainsbury’s bag. As the bag floats around in the air, Jody dances, dances, dances..
But what now? Jody has mutated…the bag is long gone and now it’s it’s it’s…
(This is where Nic Cage runs through New York shouting ‘I’m a Vampire! I’m a Vampire’! I’m a Vampire!’ in the movie Vampire’s Kiss)
So what about this Vampire? The Jody is a Vampire. The Jody and the Vamp.
He’s got BIG BIG TEETH! And he requires a virgin from the audience…
Not many of those around here…but…
A girl in a PVC skirt points out a virgin…the fellow sitting next to her…his friends literally SCREAAAAAAM for him to be slaughtered on stage….
Scream, Dracula, Scream…Scream, Virgin, Scream. You scream, we scream, Scream, Dracula, Scream….
(On a rope, on a rope, got me hanging on a rope…same old story, it’s getting kinda gory…)
Jody talks to the man…it’s impossible to work out what he’s actually saying…he’s a Vampire waiting to strike (we told you that would happen) but I think he’s asking him his name. It’s almost like a long lost Monty Python sketch:
“Hello, what’s your name?”
“Bob. What’s yours?”
“Hello Mister Vamp…UGHHHHHHH”
Virgin Rob? Bob? Gob? (Kitty 😉 ) I think it’s Bob. Let’s go with Bob! So what about Bob?
The Vampire needs to be killed…Bob has to do it…
The Vampire has been struck! He’s going, he’s gone! He’s deadmeat.
Wooohoooo! Vampire’s a go-go!
And with that!
“A big erection has gone up on stage!” says Paulus
It has! It has plenty of girth.
There’s a big board with cobwebs all over it…it looks sinister, but a little bit fun. Very fun!
Ah, we like Tuesday Laveau…she was great at Save Rubyyy Jones: Showgrrrl earlier in the year.
So this big board with cobwebs…and Tuesday Laveau…
The music starts, Tuesday writhes around…but there are hands in the board! Some arms have popped out! And they have wandering hands! Wandering, writhing, investigating hands! Clammy and mischievous. And they’re all over Tuesday….It’s a gothic, midnight feast (quite like those)…
Boobs are rubbed, and hands are investigating everywhere…It’s an exploration…
It’s a hell of an act…
NOW IT’S TIME FOR MARIPOSA BOP!
Bop appears on stage in a white lab coat…this is going to be devious isn’t it? To be devious or not to be less devious…that is the question…alas poor Lab coat I knew him…(that’s enough Hamlet!)
“Have you ever seen Jessica Rabbit in a lab coat?”
No! But we have now! Fetching uh huh!
“This is the part of the show called…Gin or not Gin?”
Bop has a table set out with five test tubes filled with clear liquid.
This IS going to be devious!
Bop looks around the crowd before selecting her prey…It’s a friend of Rob/Bob…aka Jody’s Vampire prey.
We’ll call him Fella Sport! (we don’t know his name and he was a good sport in a sport shirt)
Fella Sport!, hair and all, steps up eagerly onto the stage. Brave man, courageous fellow!
Bop!: is it Gin or not Gin?
Fella Sport: Not gin!
Fella Sport: Vodka?
Bop!: No, Gin!
3rd drink…(tentative gulp)!
Fella Sport: Gin?
Bop!: No, that was water!
4th drink…(ever so hesitant)!
Fella Sport: Not gin!
Bop!: That was Gin! Oh, no it might be Bacardi!
Fella Sport: Gin?
Bop!: That was gin!
BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE!
Fella Sport = happy drunk!
Tubular bells aka the theme from the Exorcist chimes out across the room…this is going to get screechy and screwy and just a little bit spewy…
Cheekykita, dressed in a white pyjama smock, holds a man in her hands…apparently he was shrunken earlier in the day…
He’s a small man. Imagine the shrinkage on a shrunken man.
The next thing she’s jumping all over this poor man below…mayhem!
And so…the last act of the evening…she’s back, redux, round deux…
VIVA LAMORE II
Viva wanders through the crowd smothered in fabrics….she’s covered head to toe, boots to beak…
The music starts…”I want to Break Free” by Queen.
Viva unveils herself and reveals…
A FREDDIE MERCURY MOUSTACHE!
She’s also wearing a prison outfit. Orange is the new black and all that.
“I want to Break Free!”
Viva continues to strip…Knickers and bra
“I want to Break Free!”
Naked, naked, nudity, naked.
Viva: Out the door, never looking back.
Naked, strident, exotic, erotic, FREEDOM!
Photos by Rob Brazier