Hundred Watt Club
Old Market Theatre, Brighton, 5th November 2016
Line up: Lili La Scala, Rubyyy Jones, Ayesha H, Didi Derriere, Griffin & Jones
Stage Manager: Lena Mae
(sadly we don’t have any show pictures for this event 😦 )

Sitting at the back of the theatre wearing black leather trousers and a whole ton of bracelets, I’m struck by what a cool little venue the Old Market is. It’s nicely tucked away in the Brighton side streets – close to the seafront and surrounded by chic pubs and debonair cottages. Now that sounds horrendously trendy, but I can assure you it’s not. There’s something refined but cheeky about this venue and I like it. It’s an enjoyable place to be for a Saturday night spent watching some particularly FUN and DELICIOUS burlesque and cabaret.

Speaking of which…let’s get on with the show!

Lili La Scala by Scott Chalmers
Lili La Scala by Scott Chalmers

Lili La Scala wanders out onto the stage looking quite sumptuous in a BIG BEAUTIFUL dress.

“We need to get better acquainted,” says Lili, eyeballing the audience with some kind of seductive and dominant intention.

“Women in the audience say ‘Ooooh’”

“Ooooh”

“Come on!”

“Ooooh!”

“Go on, bust your britches!”

“OOOOOH!”

“Now let’s try the masculine side…all the chaps say YES!

“YES!”

“Again!”

“YES!”

“That lady in the front row just got pregnant!”

I say!

“Hello, my darling, who are you?” she says as she sits on the lap of a man in the front row.

“Frank!”

“Frank, when the shouting stops I want you to stand up and shout at the top of your voice…Lili, who’s your daddy!”

Big laughs! This is going to be fun!

Here we go:

“Ladies!”

“Ooooh”

“Chaps!”

“Yes!”

“Ladies!”

“Oooh!”

“Chaps!”

“Yes!”

“Chaps if you bring up the rear I’ll be thrilled!”

“Ooooh!”

“Yes!”

“Ooooh!”

“Yes!

“Ooooh!”

“Yes!

“Ooooh!”

“Yes!

STOP!

“LILI, WHO’S YOUR DADDY!”

!!!!!

BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE!

WOOHOOO!

Well done Frank!

(MG: It seems leather trousers are appropriate for this audience…they’re a naughty bunch!)

“And now for our first act of the evening… Ladies and Gentlemen…DIDI DERRIERE!”

…Darkness…the notes to the song Bring on the Men start to flow through the room…

Da da da da da da da…

…hmmm…this tune always has a fine hum about it….

Da da da da da da da…

Didi wanders out…

Black lace, corset, gorgeous, slender, sultry. Very, very sultry.

“Bring on the men and let the fun begin!”

“I like to have a man for breakfast each day…”

Twist. Turn. Boop. Bop.

Bop. Bop. Bop.

Bottom slap!

“I’m very social and I like it that way…”

“By late mid morning I need something to munch…”

Tassels!

And an ever so cheeky little striptease…

“So I ask over two men for lunch…”

“I’m also very partial to buns…”

Ooompa-oompa-oompa-oompa

“My healthy appetite gets strongest at night…”

“When I invite the fellas over to dine…they all come early, in bed my nine!”

Swish-boop-swish

Kiss-boop-bang

Swish-boop-kiss

Bang-bang-bang

Boop!

BOTTOM!

Didi Derriere by V’s Anchor Studio
Didi Derriere by V’s Anchor Studio

And with that she’s gone! What a delicious delight! (I really wish we had show pictures for this event)

Oh, now what’s going on here? Hello, who’s that?

Ah, oooh, (that sounds like Anna Lou Larkin) Lena Mae is in the house…wandering onto the stage looking like a 1920s Tank Girl. Blonde hair, shaved sides, black knickers, a whole ton of jewellery and a bra. I like that…good hairstyle and clothing.

Anyway.

LILI: “Are you doing it in the dark? Never do it in the dark, you’ll never be satisfied…”

I say!

Next up we have…

GRIFFIN AND JONES!

I saw these fellows at the Hundred Watt show in Guildford. If you haven’t seen them before then they’re a pair of mad buggers. Quite mad. Buggeringly mad.

So what shenanigans will I be seeing this time?

“Lemons!”

Lemons? Which lemons? And what kind of lemons?

Jack Lemmon? Keith Lemon? Lena Mae Lenman? (don’t you think that’s stretching the joke a little too far?)

Yes!

Anyway. So what about these Lemons (and Lenmans)?

The fellas have three boxes on display, each one of them has a number…

1 2 3

(by the way, this is the abbreviated version!)

GRIFFIN or is it JONES? has taken some money of a man in the crowd.

There’s some mumbling and jumbling….tension…apprehension…

Oooooooooooh oh!

“What is in box two?”

Ooooooooh the big reveal!

“A lemon!”

Ah ha!

“Box one?”

Oooooooh

“A lemon!”

Theme developing here 😉

“Box three?”

“ A lemon!”

LEMMONS. LEMONS. LENMANS.

Mmmm citrussy.

(did the man ever get his money back?)

Next up…

“Ladies and Gentlemen…AYESHA H!”

“Ooooooooh”

(that’s merely me swooning)

Ayesha wanders wonderfully out of the darkness looking exquisite. Very exquisite. Incredibly exquisite. Exquisite exquisite. Good hat, corset, cowboy boots, and of course a BIG FAT F****ING WHIP!!!

Now what exactly is she going to do with tha…

“>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!”

Oh, heaven…

“>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!”

Seismic whipcracks dancing like thunder.

“>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!”

Seismic whipcracks galore!

“>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!”

“>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!”

It’s fair to say the front has been whipped to pieces! Ayesha’s the best whipper since Catwoman.

And there’s Lena Mae with a broom cleaning up the stage…

Boopdy-boopdy-boop-BOOP!

“For our next act, we have the Queen of Queerlesque…RUBY YYYs JONES!”

WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! RUMMMBLE! RUMMMBLE! ROARRR!

And there’s RUBYYY! Ripping out of the backstage like a SONIC BOOM of LOVE!

Rubyyy – big hair, funky clothing, sits down on a chair positioned near the front of the stage…she has a laptop on her person…hmmm…

Oh, now there’s audio…

Messages…

Music…

Dancing…

Mayhem!

Rubyyy Going MAD and CRAZY in front of the laptop…shaking the butt, slapping, getting the person on the other end of the laptop to GET THE F*** ON!

Rubyyy: tearing off the trousers, dancing, showing…OOP, stumbling over…

I think this is probably one of most fun stripteases out there…especially the part where it takes ages to take off the shoes (hell, we’ve all been there!). It’s a fun-fun-fun thing.

“COME ON!”

“COME ON!”

Kiss-kiss!

“COME ON!”

Fin!

WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! RUMMMBLE! RUMMMBLE! ROARRR!

RUBYYY!

INTERVAL

Gin! And a quick chat with Lesley from Latest Brighton magazine.

SECOND ACT!

MG: Back in the black wearing black in the back.

So who’s going to open the second half of the show?

“Ladies and Gentlemen…Didi Derriere!”

Lovely.

Oooh…the notes of Madonna start to serenade us…

VOGUE!

Wonderful!

I have to say the 1990s era Madonna is still incredibly sexy both in sound and image. (actually it’s about time someone performed ‘Human Nature’ as a burlesque act – do let us know if you know of someone that has or is planning to).

But back to Didi!

VOGUE

Strutting-beating-bumping-hunting…

VOGUE

Strutting-Strutting

VOGUE

It’s a hot as hell act!

Thank you, Didi!

Next up!

GRIFFIN & JONES
Part II. Even Jonesier.

So what are these badamadmanass guys going to do next?

“Straitjackets!”

Ha!

(I have seen this act before but it’s a terrific dose of fun. Triffic.)

Queens of the Stone Age once wrote a song called ‘Tangled up in plaid’. I’ve seen straitjackets in leather and latex and PVC, but has anyone ever seen one in plaid? Any plaid fetishists out there? (it’s certainly a different one if you do!)

Anyhow…time for the show…

Using two willing audience members to tie them in (is that a good idea?) the two gents are ready to get down to business.

Now, is this a race to the bottom or a race to the top?

And they’re off! (accompanied by Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now)

Run, rabbit, run! Run! Run! Run!

Pinch, punch, they’re getting very tough!

Tough enough to get rough and tough.

Kick, boot, have-at-you, avast!

HOLD FAST!

Oh, a water spit…how naughty!

Kick, boot, have-at-you, avast!

Avast!

YALLA!

Have-at-you!

WALLA!

OUCH!

OOP!

PUNCH! KICK!

TA-DA!

THEY’RE FREE!

I couldn’t possibly tell you who won, but it was very fun!

So after the madness, who will bring gladness….

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Ayesha H!

Superb!

Ayesha H by Chris Baker
Ayesha H by Chris Baker

…lights down, Morricone up…Ayesha H wanders deviously on stage…

BIG BOOTS, hat, gun belt and a corset. Shiny, WONDERFUL!

This time Ayesha has guns and knives. Tough girl. I like that.

A BIG BOARD covered in balloons is standing on the side of the stage …is this a target?

Yes!

Out come the knives….”>>>WHI>YM!!>>>>DOOF!!!>>” ..”>>>WHI>YM!!>>>>DOOF!!!>>”

POP!

..”>>>WHI>YM!!>>>>DOOF!!!>>” POP! ..”>>>WHI>YM!!>>>>DOOF!!!>>”

POP!

WOOOHOO!

I actually quite like that sound: “>>>WHI>YM!!>>>>DOOF!!!>>”

POP!

(easily amused)

And for the final act…it’s:

RUBY YYY JONES!

Rubyyy’s back with her anarcho-disco-love-funk-thunder!

There really is no other way to describe it.

And. Off. We. GO!

“I feel pretty and witty…”

Scraaaaattttchzzzzzzz

“What the f***!”

SONIC-RUBYYY-BOOM!

There’s the ANARCHO and the DISCO and the LOVE FUNK THUNDER!

Music!

And THOUGHTS OF THE AUDIENCE!

“I’m pretty f***ing powerful and ready for success!”

Anarcho-disco-love-funk-thunder!

“Women are paid 22% less than men…”

“How many women are going to get knocked down until society gets up and stops it?”

“…not to be worrying about the shape of my ass!”

AND STOP!

WOOOHOOO! WOOOHOOO!

LOVEGRRL. SHOWGRRL. RIOTGRRRL.
RUBYYY!

Rubyyy Jones by Feather Photography (Val Rose)
Rubyyy Jones by Feather Photography (Val Rose)

We said ‘last act’ but no, there’s a delectable little epilogue…

LILI!

Lili’s own little cabaret:

The notes to MEIN HERR (from Cabaret) begin to fill the room.

It’s always fun when this song rolls into town…

oomp-dada-OOMP-dada-oomp-

“You have to understand the way I am, mein herr…”

“A tiger is a tiger, not a lamb, mein herr…”

OOMP-oomp-OOMP-oomp-OOMP

oomp-OOMP-oomp-OOMP-oomp-OOMP-oomp-OOMP

“Farewell my lieber herr….

oomp-OOMP-oomp-OOMP-oomp-OOMP-oomp-OOMP

“…it was a fine affair but now it’s over…”

Bap-Bap-Bap

“The continent of Europe is so wide mein herr…”

“So I do what I can…inch by inch…”

“Bye”

“Bye”

“My”

“Lieber herr”

Bip-boop-toot-toot-rzzzzzt-dada-oomp-bap-bap-bap-bap

Rrrrrrrrrzzzz-tooot!

“Mein Herr”

Rrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzz-tooooooooooot!

Zoop!

XX

So there we have it: a wild and exciting show on the south coast – whips, chains, leather and straitjackets. Rubyyy, boots, corsets and Lena. Didi, Lili, Griffin, Jones and Ayesha. Delectable, devious, decadent and ‘darling, that’s just one too many Ds’!

Sumptuous!

(and idiosyncratic as f***!)

xx

For further information, please go to Hundredwattclub.com. They’ll be back at the Old Market Theatre, Brighton, on 10th March 2017.

The reason these write ups end up being as idiosyncratic and as odd as they are, is simply because my handwriting is just so bad these days. It would be easy to sit there typing on a phone or tablet but I think that looks really rude…so a notepad it is. Either way, great show Hundred Watt Club!

Hundred Watt Club performers
Rubyyy, Didi, Lili, Griffin & Jones, Ayesha H, Lena Mae

Photo credits:
Lili La Scala by Scott Chalmers
Didi Derriere by V’s Anchor Studio
Ayesha H by Chris Baker
Rubyyy Jones by Feather Photography (Val Rose)

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