Friday, 1st July 2016
100 Watt Club, Guildford Fringe Festival, The Electric Theatre
(Disclaimer: this is an idiosyncratic sketch of the evening’s entertainment, with slightly crooked annotations. Think of it like Shakespeare … with all the swearing and naughty bits highlighted and underlined!) Image galleries at the bottom of the page.
…
So this is going to be really fun…
The 100 Watt Club at the Guildford Fringe Festival…
Friday night, the sun is out, the venue is full, drinks are on the go…
BADA-BOOM!
SCARLETT BELLE bounds onto the stage like a big bad buxom harlot (in the nicest possible sense!)
Sequins, curves, top hat, curls – what a wonderful rip-roaring romp into the evening. Big boots and fishnets, too.
BRAVO!
“I’ve driven down from Edinburgh,” says Scarlett.
That explains the naughtiness!
“I won’t tease you yet,” she says, leering and winking to the front row.
“But make shit loads of noise or we will kick you out! You don’t want to see an angry showgirl!”
(No, but we quite like them angry!)
And with the foundations set, Scarlett begins to lead us into how we should react to the show…
“Noises you should make to these burlesque movements…”
BUMP
“WOOOOSH!”
SHIMMY
“RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR” (from the crowd)
SHAKING THAT ASS
“OOOOOHH”
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
…
With the audience tipsy and ready to play…
LENA MAE!
Lena, decked out in red, jewels, and all manner of elegant flotsam and jetsam, swishes onto the stage to…
DIRTY BOOGIE!
You know it’s going to be a rude night when the show starts with Dirty Boogie…
Lena: bumping, bouncing, calling up the crowd…
Lena: tearing her gloves off with her teeth…
Lena: teasing, slow, smouldering, enchanting…
Lena: dancing this way, a little dance like that…
Lena: …THE SPLITS!
And then…
POP!
A champagne glitter BOOP at the end!
Voila!
Superbe!
WOOHOO!
And speaking of glitter…
All that glitters is…
GRIFFIN & JONES
Griffin and Jones: two blokes from Guildford, pioneers of magic, and and and…
“We’re the equivalent of running with scissors!”
Devious!
“We’re often asked, ‘can you use your magic for evil?’”
“YES!”
“Petty crime as well!”
And with that the two fellas produce two small packets of salt from their pockets… (right now I’m forgetting what the purpose was, but you can guess what the packets of salt look like: no, not those little blue ones from the 1980s crisp packets we used to pour down each other’s necks and knickers at school! The Scarface kind of bags.)
Anyway…
“Hold the salt in the fist…”
(unable to read notes at this point … but there is salt all over the stage)
“It looks like Elton John’s bedroom in here … not just the size of the audience!”
Ahem…
With the salt (and Elton John) out of the way, Griffin and Jones proceed to launch into some kind of Victorian tomfoolery…
…now what’s the name of it?
“Other bollocks”
Ah, that’s it!
According to Griffin and Jones their next trick involves ‘Miracle Goo’.
What the f*** is ‘Miracle Goo’?! Does it come in Tesco Value?
“Gentleman, cover your testicles”
OK
Griffin and Jones entice a lady named Lisa onto the stage…
(careful, Lisa)
“Were going to fill your head with dross!”
And with that they bring out a book of (not impossible to read, but the book covered the subject of stones and crystals).
One of the fellas (possibly Griffin, possibly Jones) holds the miracle goo in his hands…
Turning to Lisa, he says…
“Tickle the goo…”
Lisa tickles the goo!
“That’s it’s bottom!”
Oh…
“See if you can guess what we are thinking of…”
“Lisa, jiggle it. Jiggle the goo!”
Lisa: “Is it copper?”
“YES!”
Furious applause from the audience.
So there you go. Miracle goo really does work…especially when it’s been tickled on the bottom.
SCARLET BELLE is here again, wandering up the steps into the crowd.
“Do you dress up for your husband?” she says to a lady in the crowd.
Laughter!
“Do you like Schoolgirl outfits?” she says to a man.
Rumblings, bumblings, mewlings and zoolings…
A couple of titter-titters and possibly an exploratory Frankie Howard style ‘Ooooohooohs’ pop out of the crowd.
But then Scarlett saunters off leaving us hanging.
Filthy girl.
Speaking of schoolgirl outfits…
…A newcomer making her debut at the 100 Watt Club…
YIPPIE I KAY!
Yippie romps onto the stage in a hockey themed schoolgirl outfit. She even has a hockey stick.
Yippie is all fun and games and badass shenanigans…
….Splits, knickers, hips and hoorays…
She’s fun. A punky pop schoolgirl with a little bit of an attitude.
But then Yippie isn’t the only girl with an attitude tonight. Who. Do. We. Have. Here…
ANNA LOU LARKIN!
Merde!
(just kidding Anna Lou 😉 )
Ah, Anna Lou, the little French mystery. She’s a mischievous madame this one. The last time we saw her she was ‘channelling the contents of her handbag’ into a costume at Cabaret Roulette. So now what is she up to?
“Something whimsical as fuck”
Ah ha…
You really never would of guessed it.
And how does this ‘whimsical as fuck’ go?
“Ah”
“Et”
“Ooooh”
What a novelty.
You can see why people fall in love with her.
Astronomers, for example – a romance that Anna Lou documents in graphic detail…
PLINK, PLONK, PLINK on her giant red breasted accordion.
PLINK, PLONK, PLINK
“Put your you-know-what in my super massive black hole”
PLINK, PLONK, PLINK
“Fuck me like magnesium”
PLINK, PLONK, PLINK
Bon!
Merci!
What a little French scallywag!
Next up…
RIRI CABOOSE!
WOW! How gorgeous is Riri? Stunning. And that cute tennis outfit with golf socks, a big smile and a very wonderful bottom!
BUT BUT BUT
There is so much more than looks and a body. This is a classy performance. And fun. And energetic.
More so than someone with ants in their pants at Wimbledon.
A tennis burlesque striptease.
Now that is cool.
And then SCARLETT BELLE re-appears…and sits herself down on someone’s lap in the front row…
Inevitably she sings…
“Bring on the men…”
And with that…
Knickers up, curtains down…
THE INTERVAL
Gin!
SECOND ACT
And we’re off again…
With Scarlett Belle dressed as a Nun!
“Take it all off!” someone bellows from the crowd…
But Scarlett sings again…
“I will follow him!”
“I will follow him!”
Him. Her. Who. Hey?
LENA MAE!
White dress, jazzy music, elegant and mystical as f*ck.
A sweeping majesty. With just a little hint of evil.
What a wicked whiplash of a woman!
And casual with her costume!
Feathers all over the stage. Tons of them.
Scarlett: “It’s her show so she can make as much mess as she wants!”
Which she’s done with sumptuous aplomb…the messy moo.
Oh, back we are with ANNA LOU LARKIN…
Why the Yoda voice?!
No idea.
So what is the French fiend singing about this time?
“This is a song about my friend Auralie and her obsession with famous people…”
Clearly this will be naughty – Scarlette Belle has told as so…
“She likes a man in her entrance…”
Ooooohooooh.
PLINK, PLONK, PLINK (this sound may seem annoying on the page, but in reality it’s actually quite cheeky!)
“Paper cuts in my fanny”
PLINK, PLONK, PLINK
“I want to bathe in your recycling”
PLINK, PLONK, PLINK
The rest we couldn’t possibly repeat!
And then back come GRIFFIN & JONES for some more mayhem and entertainment.
This time they’ve brought straitjackets.
For why? For why?
“A race to undo the jackets”
Now that is a very cool plan.
Hiring a couple members of the audience to tie them into their mansacks (he he ) it is only then that we find that one of the audience is an expert at tying things up.
“Do you saddle horses?”
Audience member: “Yes!”
“Shit!”
Griffin (or is it Jones?) has a problem with people who are exceptionally qualified at tying things together.
It could be a long night for Griffin (or possibly Jones).
But then…
They’re off! With music: Queen – Don’t Stop Me Now.
Spitting water in each other’s faces – a bit like Christina Aguilera’s Dirty video but without the short skirts (we’ve had a lot of them this evening)…the two men get down and dastardly…
But this isn’t a race, it’s more of a bun fight!
Half nelsons, kicking each other’s arses, fun, fun, fun.
It’s a tussle, with broken arms and shoulders a very likely possibility!
It’s like that song we had as kids…
“Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other”
BUT!
They make it out alive and intact…
AND!
Who won? Griffin? Jones? Elton John?
The Audience!
Ha ha!
A FULL ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THESE TWO GENTLEMEN
And then the last act of the evening.
RIRI CABOOSE!
Riri is back again looking glorious and gorgeous: a large fur coat (animal friendly kind), delightful underwear. Riri’s soulful and sexiful, with sass and saxophone.
And then BOOF!
ONE BIG GLITTER SHOWER TO END THE SHOW!
So there we have it, Ladies and Gentleman…
THE HUNDRED WATT CLUB!
DAMNED DELICIOUS!
xx
For further info on the 100 Watt Club and their upcoming shows, please trot along to Hundredwattclub.com.
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