Cabaret Roulette: Bedlam
Royal Vauxhall Tavern, 8th June 2016
So where are we?
What the f*** is Cabaret Roulette?
(especially as I can’t understand my notes!)
But the notes don’t matter because….
An incredibly awesome Harley Quinn bounces around in front of us with a drink in her hand. Gorgeous. Super-hyper-cali-colour-gorgeous. And wild!
ANNA LOU LARKIN bursts onto the stage dressed up as I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT!?
It’s a blue catsuit with bits and pieces of flotsam and jetsam pinned to it.
What. Exactly. Is it?
(French accent) “I’m channelling the inside of my handbag!”
So that’s what all the shit is. The inside of Anna Lou Larkin’s handbag. Genius lady. And good use of the word ‘channelling’. Which sounds vaguely erotic.
Speaking of erotic…
“Are you moist with anticipation?” says Anna.
YES! Scream the crowd.
We’re ready to be entertained. Which is good because…
LILLY SNATCHDRAGON wanders onto the stage dressed quite wonderfully in a black PVC corset with knickers and all manner of flair and jewellery and flair and jewellery.
Lilly is also carrying, for reasons we’ll soon find out, a male sex doll!
The crowds swoons!
Well, we do all love Lilly. The little scene stealer.
But it’s Anna who gets us off to a flying start:
“When I say BED you say LAM!”
“Ladies and gentleman…PINKIE T’BOO!”
So this is what the sex doll is for – a male accompaniment to the onslaught of Jeremy Kyle. With a bigger, bigger dose of Dizzee Rascal thrown in.
Pinkie bounds through the crowd accosting members of the audience in a fabulous and furious exchange of daytime TV arguments. Costume: sequinned baseball cap and a tracksuit featuring a sweatshirt embroided with a pair of wolves.
Pinkie strips a little bit. Off goes the hat and jacket. Then the rest. And, and, and…
FACEBOOK LIKE stamps on her bottom cheeks! Oh cool. Oh wow.
That’s two likes and the rest of the clothing is out.
Pinkie’s a one woman carnival.
Cheers for Pinkie and her sex mad male blow up sex doll.
(hazy notes here, apologies)
Anna: “Usually this man performs for high prices, but tonight he is here for a packet of wotsits and a sense of accomplishment!”
PROFESSOR KELSO wanders onto the stage looking a little bit like Sherlock Holmes (which is a good thing, and a compliment).
So this is going to be a magic act…
The Professor works his magic and has all of our fingers glued together (not to eachother, but as individuals…jeepers that would be magic!). This glue is cunningly only beaten by the invisible rubber ball that ping-pongs about the room.
So this is Monoideism as Professor Kelso tells us. Interesting.
The professor continues his act…lining up three members of the audience and a playing card each…which he guesses correctly.
The Professor’s a bit of a hallucination…he really could be transported from the 19th century. Perhaps he is…which would explain…
Our poorly written notes seem to veer off at this point into…
LILLY: “Do you want me to hold your bottom?”
Bedlammy indeed. And up next is METH!
METH arrives looking very sweet and gorgeous. Good pink hair, too!
BUT…James Blunt songs begin to play…hmph…(we’d prefer the sound of Emily Blunt in a vest looking tough)
BUT…ah ha there’s a reason for this…apparently, supposedly, ever so merrily, according to Meth…
“James Blunt’s first album is called Back to Bedlam…”
That explains it.
“I’ve been listening to this shit for two months!”
So off we go with Meth leading the way…
Apparently the video for the song has James Blunt sitting on a beach…which…isn’t exactly…what…we…have…here…in…Vauxhall…(I know we’re near the river, but…)
“Does this look like an ocean?” says Meth, pointing to the curtains behind the stage.
Mumblings in the crowd.
“Do we have any spray?”
Shuffling from Lilly.
And so it begins…Meth miming James Blunt while Lilly bumps and grinds around in the background with two big spray cans of water…spraying pretty much everything in site, especially if it’s dressed nicely and answers to the name ‘Meth’.
ELEGANCE. MADNESS. MAYHEM.
BLUNT. METH. LILLY.
WHAT A THREESOME.
Thanks to Lilly Meth’s breasts get a soaking in two big lactating masses….
…BUT…Meth continues…and in keeping with the spirit of the video, removes the shoes, and contents of the pockets…which include poppers and other fun-time-fun-things…
And that is that.
What a fun performance!
But, but, but…but then…
LILLY IS HAVING A GO AT THE POPPERS!
LILLY: “I’M CAUSING BEDLAM WITH MY ASS!”
Which is shouted while shaking her bootum to the crowd.
What kind of alleys have we gone down here?
And where do we go now?
(hazy notes again…)
Better move onto the INTERVAL
Quick, quick, QUICK! Hustle, hustle, HUSTLE!
And after that we’re back with…
ANNA: “When you say BED I say LAM!”
“PI THE MIME!”
PI THE MIME sweeps onto the stage ever so beautifully…dressed very serenely in a classy French outfit. Dainty, robotic, erotic, it’s a very cool performance with a cheeky moment involving a bee in the pants!
Now then, what’s all this hubbub?
Our friend in the Harley Quinn costume wanders up to the performers with a cake in her hand…
Who? Who? Who?
Pi the Mime! And…
That explains the poppers!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! With an animal cake of somekind.
But the cake doesn’t stand a chance…Lilly’s finger in one end, Pi’s in the other. A chocolate cake spit roast. Birthday style.
And that’s before the slightly erotic eating of the aforementioned cake.
And the licking of the fingers…
You definitely had to be there.
Sooooooo….Who. Is. Next?
ANNA: “KIKI DEVILLE!”
Kiki’s a bit a of a songstress and…
WHAT. A. SET. OF. LUNGS!
Not much to say or note when…THAT VOICE IS KICKING YOUR ARSE!
Kiki absolutely, positively, belts out her song…rumbles all around the room as the vocal chords shake us all apart.
That’s pretty cool, Kiki.
Now then this is all very…
LILLY / ANNA bickering about something. Only THEY really know what.
LILLY: “Why are you asking me? All I have is this ping-pong ball!
Which boops out of Lilly’s mouth and into the audience.
And after all of that ping-pong madness…
“RUSTY VON CHROME!”
80s rock music blasts out of the speakers and RUSTY VON CHROME bounders onto the stage – half beard, half make up, total mayhem. And a healthy kind of lovable chaos.
Ending the show is a God among Bedlammers…(or should it be Bedlameers as in Buccaneers?) Either way, whatever, whomever…
Mohican. Straitjacket. LOU SAFIRE standing positioned behind a prop that makes him appear like Vishnu (apologies if wrong). It’s Lou usual badass self kicking our hearts around. Flaming tongues, firey bellies, fire dancing and moving to the sound of Bjork’s Army of Me. Awesome. A hell of a good way to end the show!
And with that…we were off into the Vauxhall night.
So anyway, another FUN old time at Cabaret Roulette – an event that always brings a HUGE spoonful of LAUGHTER and LOVE. And it was nice to see the awesome burlesquer Kitty Petite in the crowd looking splendid in black jeans and a leopard print top. Very nice.
I think what’s really cool and fun about Cabaret Roulette is that the performers bring out some of their best material. We’ve seen Lou Safire three times this year and I think this was the most wicked piece of them all.
P.S. Apologies for the sketchy idiosyncratic nature of the text. It had been a long day and I think Lilly and Anna made me (and everyone else) laugh so much that notes were quite difficult to take!