Archive: The Apothecary – Celebration!

The Apothecary: Celebration!
Haunt, December 7th 2016

Promoter: Mariposa Bop
Host: Cherry Bomb
Starring: Morning Star, Rock Hart, Good Ness Gracious, Markee de Saw, Pudzey Payaso
Pearl Grey
Stage managers: Kitty Petite and Poppy Liqueur
Fun & Games: Gin or not Gin, Christmas decorations on faces, Pass the parcel

Haunt restaurant, Stoke Newington, London. It’s the Apothecary’s birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

MARIPOSA BOP – purple wig, purple dress, rounds everyone up for show…

“Hello everyone!” says Bop in her warm Welsh accent.

“This is our actual birthday show… we made it! We’ve been going for a year now!

“The Apothecary,” says Bop, pulling notes from her bra, “is made up of the delusions of a 19th Century chemist…”

Bop reads through what each volume of the show has contained over the course of the past year…

“Volume eight was made up of female performers only… eight pairs of breasts, sixteen individual breasts…”

Hmmm…

“I’ll be wearing this dress for my curtain call at the World Burlesque Games on Friday…”

“I might go ass over tit in this dress!”

Lolz

Better hand over to the hostess for the evening… MISS CHERRY BOMB!

CHERRY BOMB wanders onto the stage with her notes and her face microphone (you know, like Madonna… and a hundred diabetes inducing country & western singers)

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…”

Cherry Bomb: Cleavage, cleavage, and a cherry in her hair, tosses sweets into the crowd.

“You need to lubricate yourselves… move your bits!”

“When I say ‘Apothecary Cabaret’… you go WOAH!”

“Apothecary Cabaret… Apothecary Cabaret… APOTHECARY CABARET!”

“WOAH!”

FIRST ACT!

MARKEE DE SAW!

Markee steps onto the tiny little stage… slow jazz plays out through the room…

Markee moves seductively… there’s a hint of leg, a little persuasion…

Then the saw! A lusty, lusty dance with the saw…

Markee settles down, silence, hush, keep calm please.

EEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHWWWWWOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEUUUUUU (It’s a poor attempt at the sound of a saw, I know)

Markee plays the saw like a theremin. It’s a slap and tickle of ghostly, otherworldy, hypnotising lullabies. A jazzy saw séance to jazz performers passed. It’s eerie and beautiful. Creepy and wonderful.

CHERRY BOMB: “The next act onto the stage… it might well turn into a sex show… It’s the award winning…PEARL GREY!”

Pearl bounds on stage…she’s in a BIG SEQUIN DRESS, with a Quality Street headress.
60s schmaltz music begins to play as she wanders the crowd handing out sweets…

But then!

“Roses”

Aghhhhhh Roses!

Pearl FLINGS Cadbury’s Roses all over the place, she’s angry, she’s stomping, she’s killing the chocolate…it’s stomped! Mashed! Crushed! OBLITERATED!

And calm… deep breath… and go again…

Pearl plays with her chest… plays with her knickers…

Celebrations!

Sound clip: “Celebrate good times…”

And a Striptease…BUT! BUT! BUT!

There’s a Tantrum, a Scream… a CHAOS leading to CARNAGE! It’s a full on festive meltdown. Pearl’s beating herself, anger, fieriness, destruction… writhing around on the stage, chocolate, clothing, everything everywhere…

BUT!

Sound clip: “I need a hero!”

A box of Heroes has appeared…

The Heroes have saved Pearl Grey!

Brave, heroic chocolates.

They’ve saved the day!

CHERRY BOMB: “I would strip, but I’m wearing spanx and it takes ages to get out of. Do you know why I wear Spanx?… So I don’t have to have sex with my husband…”

Blimey.

“Are there any men with beards in the audience?”

There’s a few…

“Any hairy men?”

Some.

“Are there any bald men?”

Me!

“Can we have some hairy men on stage…”

Cherry Bomb picks two: Dickie Dalliance and the Man from Gimcrack. It seems that these men are going to be glittered senseless! Ornamental beard men, festive style!

And they’re off: tons of spray on glue, a little glitter here, a santa ornament there…

Ta da! (okay, the picture below is just a hint)

Done! Festively basted and very ornamental! Dickie Dalliance has a face like a Christmas tree…(looks pretty marvellous actually)

ROUND OF APPLAUSE!

Next act!

ROCK HART!

Oh F***! Look out! Here’s comes Ebeneezer Scrooge… the filthy old basterd. He’s wearing scruffy pyjamas, a sleeping hat, he’s got a churlish expression and a big candle in his hands… flithy, flithy, dirty, churlish old filthy man.

Ebeneezer wanders through the crowd to the stage… gurning malevolently at everyone. He offers an audience member a tug on his cock…

No! He’s declined it! Churlish cock tease!

What’s he f****** doing now?

He stripping! It’s an anti-christmas striptease! Dirty, filthy, heathen!

And he’s covered in chains! Bondage, S&M Christmas for scrooge…

He’s flinging the chains around, and now…. HE’S DRIPPING HOT WAX ON HIMSELF!

HOT STUFF! All over his chest and neck and down his stomach…

SELF-S&M at Christmas…

The filth and the fury of it all!

CHERRY BOMB: “Someone got rock hard doing that”

Next up!

PUDZEY PAYASO!

Pudzey’s an awesome freaky sideshow: nails, hooks, hammers, drills. Facial violence, wounding adventure… you get the drift. Very FUN!

And so…

“Don’t do this at home,” says Pudzey. “Do this at work or school when you have someone to sue!”

Pudzey takes out a nail and begins to press down into his skin somewhere around the bottom of his nostrils….

NAILS!

HAMMER!

FACE!

Ouch!

Say it again!

NAILS!

HAMMER!

FACE!

Ouch!

“Hammering a six inch in where it shouldn’t go!”

“Getting it out is the hard part!”

Pudzey leans in to the face of a man in the front of the crowd…

He’s getting a good eye full!

Back end of the hammer…

TUG!

YANK!

TWIST!

TURN!

PULL!

Ta Da!

The nail is out!

What the bloody hell is Pudzey going to do next? He has implements galore in his box of tricks.

Pudzey sticks a fishing hook through his tongue…

2 IRONS ATTACHED!

Pudsey Payazo (Rob Brazier) — Pudzey Payazo (Rob Brazier)

SWING! SWING! SWING! WHUMP! SWING! SWING! SWING! WHUMP!

The man is like a Swiss Army Knife – he’s omni.

Now what the F***! is he doing?!

Ear piercings are very useful when you want to lift up a beer keg.

YUP!

A BEER KEG!

(and not a silly hipster keg either… this is a full of big bad Jabberwocky beer keg!)

Pudzey lifts….

UGGHHHHHHHHH

And lifts…

UGGHHHHHHH

And round and round it goes like a whirligig!

ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND!

Surely that’s it?

No!

Pudzey opens up a big jar of glass and rubs it all over his face. Chucking some more glass onto the floor he says:

“Kitty hates it when I do this…”

Kitty, Poppy, Pudsey (Rob Brazier) — Kitty, Poppy, Pudzey (Rob Brazier)

Kitty Petite and Poppy Liqueur stand on Pudzey’s head while his face is mashed into the glass…

He’s quite literally wearing glass as a facial expression!

Huzzah! What a performance!

And it’s a good time for a spot of…

INTERVAL

Gin!

SECOND ACT!

BOP is back!

BOPBACK! BOPBACK! BOPBACK! BOP!

Time for MARIPOSA BOP’S increasingly famous (and devious and delicious) game of GIN OR NOT GIN!

And I think it’s the man from Gimcrack going up onto the stage. Brave man, courageous fellow!

We’ll call him Gimcrack Fellow.

And. Here. We. Go!

1st drink… gulp!
Bop!: is it Gin or not Gin?
Gimcrack Fellow: Gin!
Bop!: Gin!

2nd drink… glug!
Gimcrack Fellow: Gin?
Bop!: No, it’s Bacardi! That’s my favourite…

Oh, there’s a little bit of mild anger in the room…

Bop!: Why are you angry with me? I am giving you free gin or not gin!

Lolz.

3rd drink… (tentative gulp)!
Gimcrack Fellow: Gin?
Bop!: Yes, it was Gin!

Bop!: How are you feeling?

Gimcrack Fellow: Feeling Christmassy!

4th drink… (ever so hesitant)!
Gimcrack Fellow: Oh feck it’s gin!
Bop!: It is gin!

5th drink… (ugh)!
Gimcrack Fellow: Not gin but it’s boozy…
Bop!: It’s Bacardi!

BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE!

Gimcrack Fellow = happy drunky drunk drunk!

Bop!: “Get on the floor, everybody walk this dinosaur…”

(not sure where that’s come from but I don’t think I imagined it?!)

Next up!

GOOD NESS GRACIOUS!

Oh, it’s a Nun… better be on good behaviour…

F*** knows why… she’s not! The dab’s swigging from a hip flask! This must be some relation of Father Jack.

(Brick!)

Anyway… Ave Maria belts out from Good Ness Gracious…

But she’s getting quite drunk, drunk drunk!

And now she’s slumped in a chair… BUT! BUT! BUT! She’s up!

She’s dancing! It’s a drunken nun disco striptease!

Raaah ram

Baaaa bam

Shaking bottom!

Boop-boop-boop-boop!

Ta da!

Wunderbar!

Oh look, there’s Kitty Petite…

Next up!

MORNING STAR!

It’s a Squirrel! No, really, look at the pictures. It’s a squirrel on stage at the Apothecary! What animalistic hallucinations have we conjured up this time? It’s all that Bacardi isn’t it.

Nutbush City Limits belts out of the speakers…The squirrel likes this tune…it loves it for all the nuts in the world. And off goes the Squirrel….

Striptease!

Writhing on the floor!

Shaking its ass!

Boop-Boop-Squirrel-nutso-crazy-boop-boop!

Huzzah!

Next?

BOP is back!

Let’s go to the BOP! Let’s go to the BOP!

“We’re going to have a game of pass the parcel… and every layer is a winner!”

“You all know how to play…”

“But no birthday punch ups!”