Hundred Watt Club
West End Centre, Aldershot
12th May 2018
Host: Dawn Gracie
Stage Manager: Lena Mae Lenman
Performers: Didi Derrière, Ginger Tarte, Eva von Schnippisch, Lolo Brow
West End Centre, Aldershot. It’s been pissing it down all day…so much so that I could have actually surfed or swum round the corner from the hotel to the venue. And I didn’t bring any latex, which frankly would have helped. But enough about water, let’s have some fun and madness and mayhem and depravity rain down. Life is sooo much better that way.
And it’s a cool little theatre…the crowd is dressed and ready and quite frankly jammed, crowbarred and talcum powdered into the venue. It’s a fun seeming crowd, too. Wicked, naughty looking, and clearly up for a sweet and deviant time.
The lights go down, the hum of excitement rumbles up from the footwells and into the rafters. DAWN GRACIE – our host for the evening – slides luxuriously onto the stage from out of the shadows. She has blonde hair, a black sequin dress, a little hat and sparkly heels.
Ya see – LUXURIOUS!
Dawn Gracie starts to sing a little boopdy-boop number…a number that requires her to wander off the stage and out and into the crowd…how wicked, how cheeky, how…
“It’s all about the sass” says Dawn,“nothing else!”
And with that:
Dawn Gracie wanders further into the front row, straddles a member of the audience, allows his hand to explore her body:
“Just feel this!”
“Why have you stopped? This is the only reason I do this job!”
Dawn Gracie gets up, gets going again…ass shake, boopdy-boop, titty wiggle, shimmy!
Slithering onto another audience member’s lap, she says:
“I think one of my tits has fallen out of my bra!”
“Are you ready for an amazing evening?”
And it seems we’re heading that way already!
“You’re gonna love the show!” she bellows. “We’ve got bums and boobs…it’s like theatre only you’re encouraged to be rowdy!”
“If you’re easily offended then there’s the fucking door! Open mind, open legs!”
But it’s time to go go go!
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to our first performer of the night…”
Didi steps her long legs out onto the stage. She’s looking splendid tonight. Blonde hair, black outfit. Tight, sharp, exquisite…all in all…wickedly-fucking-marvellous!
Hmmm, and some Cabaret music. A classic: Bring on the Men (which always brings back a little memory of my first burlesque show in Australia back in 2009 ;)). Great song and everyone can sing along to it.
But anyway, dance Didi dance!
And she does! Slowly, alluringly, an element of seductive menace and subversion running through the air. The room is thick with it, heavy, hearty, sexy, dastardly.
“Let’s bring on the men…”
Didi’s sultry with the crowd: teasing..no, no, teasing!
A glove smoothly and silkenly rubs across her boots.
Her thighs curve, her bottom moves…
Bottom! Ass shake! Bottom!
Bottom! Bottom! Boop!
And now the black boa’s a movin!
Swing, swing! Swing, SWING! SWING! SWING! SWIRL!
WHUP! WHUP! WHUP! WOOHOO!
And her jacket’s off; a black corset underneath…which leads, inevitably, to…a corset tease!
No! Nooo! Noooo! Voila!
And the corset goes flying!
And now the boa goes sweeping again…until the fiesta of fun slows down to a sensual, hanging on a thread motion…
“I like having a man for breakfast each day…”
Didi sits herself down on a chair…A slow, slow, sloooooow, stocking tease…
“Two men for lunch…”
But now she’s up! Swinging hips: Whup-whup-whup
Swing-swing the boa goes flying!
Nipple tassels swirling round and round like nipple-tassle-whirligig.
A flick and a click and a pose: Shhh!
And she’s done!
Dawn: “May we have a collective pop!”
“Our next act is an up and coming draglesque performer…it’s a lesbian shark attack!”
“Ladies and Gentlemen…”
Duh-da! Duh-da! [erm, lol, this is the theme from Jaws…duh-da it with us…come on]
Duh-da! Duh-da! Duh-da! Duh-da! Duh-da!
Word up…SHA! SHA! SHA!
<^< <^< <^< <^< <^< <^<
>^> >^> >^> >^> >^> >^>
<^< <^< <^< <^< <^< <^<
>^> >^> >^> >^> >^> >^>
Hold on…no bigger boat (or bigger stage) needed…this is a friendly shark…
BIG WAVE from the friendly Shark…
(But can we truss it? Hmmm…I love sharks but my knowledge tells me…)
“Somewhere…beyond the sea…” flips its way out of the speakers.
The shark waves, dances, titters and prances…
‘Tis a beautiful serenade…vivacious shark…
Oh…uh-oh-OH. A burp! A hiccup! A-UGH-UGH-UGH
But but but BUTT!
A lady begins to appear from within the shark…it’s a sailor…a sailorette clambering her way out its mouth!
Careless Whisper belts out of the speakers…
The shark is in love with the sailorette!
‘Tis a beautiful romance!
[Song: Time of my life]
Power ballads galore here, Ladies and Gentlemen…
Sailorette Ginger dances with the shark…
Holding the shark in her arms, the Officer and a Gentlemen song [that would be Up Where We Belong] busts out of the speakers…
…there’s kissing, there’s cannoodling, there’s even more kissing…but then!
THE SHARK HAS STARTED TO EAT GINGER!
Nom! Nom! Nom!
Ginger: “I trusted you!”
And it’s gone…Ginger, Shark, everything else in between. Gone.
After that shark attack it’s time for something a little different…
Dawn: “Our next performer is a German secret agent!
Oooooh! And at the home of the British Army. What intrigue.
“And she’s very unhinged and desperate for love…Ladies and Gentlemen….it’s….”
EVA VON SCHNIPPISCH!
Eva thunders out of a room from the rafters and marches herself down the steps and through the audience. Boot-boot-boot-BOFF!
She’s head to toe in sparkles and some very big boots. Stomp, stomp, stomp, whoop!
She’s also wearing a slightly jaunty, every slight naughty, even just a bit more kinky…hat.
“Hello my darlings,” flicks Eva. “The more you shout the more horny I get!”
“I’m an ingenious spy…deft, tall, agile.”
“I use my sexuality to get myself out of sticky situations…the stickier the better!”
“All I really want is true love…”
And with that…MUSIC!
[Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance…in a 1920s style]
And what a performance…Lady Gaga movements but in an oh so 1920s doop-doop style. It’s fiendish, maniacal, sexy, wicked, sweet and decadently [but in a good way] evil!
Eva von Schnippisch is full of wicked skullduggery!
And now she’s striding off into the audience…
“Is that your wife sitting next to you?
Wink wink 😉
“Menage et trois!”
“But anyway darlings, I need a schtiff drink! Well something schtiff anyways!”
“I’m going to go for a lie down…maybe have a little bit of a fiddle.”
And with that!
Dawn: “Our next performer…you are in for a treat!”
Good! We fucking love TREATS!
“Ladies and gentlemen…”
Lolo Brow arrives on stage in a blue satin dress…how ravishing, how elegant, how classical, how theatrical, how…
“Sup sup muthafuckers!”
Well this went urban awfully quick.
“So we’re going to play a game” says Lolo. “…my ipod contains 700 songs and it is set to shuffle…you get to change the music whenever you life…Shout CHANGE! as little or as often as you like! And then I’ll move along to the music.”
RUMBLE RUMBLE ROARRRRRRRRR!
The crowd gears up, ready to flex its mettle.
And we’re off!
And it’s a cacophony of badassery: R&B, Hip-hop, Metal, Funk, Pop…all manner of mean and tasty tunes.
The feather boa goes flying, the freak is getting on…the robe comes off:
[the picture said it far better, let’s be honest]
More music, more lightning quick dance moves…and and and…
A BIG FUCKING CARTWHEEL!
[no picture, but fuck it was good]
Ass shake! Bra off!
And she’s gone!
What madness! It’s a mayhem filled musical martial art…Audio Kung Fu Lolo Brow style.
Now Lolo Brow’s be-bopped and blasted us out of our seats, what are we poor boys and girls to do? Speaking of seats…we have three empty chairs sitting on stage…what naughtiness and merriment will arise from said seats, and who, will in actual fact, be sitting on them? It’s all a mystery.
Dawn: “I’m going to need three strong men…
“I’m going to perform a feat of strength!”
Oh, three men at random have been plucked like Christmas Turkeys from the audience. Will Dawn Gracie have them for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Will they be stuffed, roasted and eaten on stage?
“First rule…make me look fabulous!”
It would appear so!
“Second rule…don’t show my minge to the audience!”
The front row might get more than they paid for! 😉
The rules…well they’re quite simple. The three men have to sit on the chairs and hold Dawn Gracie up while she sings and writhes/moves/re-shuffles herself around them…all without showing off her…
Well anyway, let’s get on with the show!
And my sketchy notes don’t even reveal what the hell she’s singing…but anyway erm…she’s singing. And this is where the chaos begins…
Dawn Gracie sings…organizes, orders, demands…
“Hide my minge!”
“No not that way!”
“Not my minge!
There’s body parts twisting this way and that, it’s a Karma Sutra of chaos…
“No! Not like that!”
“I told you…hide my minge!”
DAWN GRACIE slips onto the stage…she’s a picture of pink! Pink sequin dress, pink sparkles galore.
“Welcome to second part of the show,” she says wandering into the audience. Dawn starts to sing a little song for all of us out and about in the crowd.
“When you’re good to mama, mama’s good to you.”
And she is good! She’s sitting on laps, shifting between the sheets with the audience.
It’s a drama and romance of its own: sweeping, riotous…Ass shake-bottom-boop-boop!
“Mama’s good to you…”
As the song unfurls its satin, a blonde mirage appears from out of the heat shimmer…who is it? Who are they? What do they want? Are they for real?
Oh, it’s Lena Mae…that’s who the blonde mirage is…the Big Kahuna at the Hundred Watt Club. What’s she up to? What’s she got doing? Things to say and people’s news to spread?
DG: “Hey Lena…how’s it going backstage?”
Lena: “It’s sweaty!”
Thanks for that, Lena!
Anyway. Onto the next act!
Sweet mother of Bart it’s Ned Flanders!
No, it really is. Look!
And a performance filled with reckless, pantless, abandon!
I have to say, this Ned’s a chatty bugger too!
“Give me a white wine spritzer!”
And with that…CARNAGE!
Ned goes supernova! Ned is rampant with all that sip of spritzer inside of him! Beats and boops and buttocks fill the stereo…It’s a Ned rodeo of rumpus-pumpus-raucaus-dorkus!
He’s dancing, Ned’s prancing. He’s cavorting, Ned’s rocking…all over the stage with all feeling of straight life blown into oblivion.
“I can see your doodle!”
And the text doesn’t really do it any justice…you’ll just have to hunt it out on the internet 😉
But who’s our next act…it’s it’s it’s…
Vogue by Madonna slithers out of the speakers. Those 90s Madonna songs really were just the sexiest, weren’t they? Don’t get me started on Human Nature.
Didi wanders onto the stage from the side…trousers, corset, cone boobs…
Didi slinks her way in time to the music, shows some thigh to the audience…her hat is tipped, goes flying across the stage. There’s some Madonna moves going on…sexual, sensual, filled with splendour and grandiosity. But then…
Ass shake! Bottom-boop-boop!
A corset tease…slow…slow…sloooow….and it’s off!
Didi slides onto her knees, writhes on the stage, strikes a pose…
And she’s off.
EVA VON SCHNIPPISCH!
Ta da! She’s back!
Red jacket, red hat, black corset and black patent leather boots. Yum! Yum! Yum!
Eva: “The deeper the treasure, the better the pleasure.”
Eva: “War, huh, what is it good for?”
Audience: “Absolutely nothing!”
Eva: “Oooh, that made me cum in my kernickers.”
Ahhh, there’s more fun and games to be had. What so this time?
Four people are being brought on stage. Some keen, some fearful, and one has been dragged on stage after a trip to the bathroom. And what’s this we see before us?
[Same thing, isn’t it?]
And what will they be doing with said Whoopee witchcrafty cushions?
Eva: “We make zee whoopee on on stage!”
Ah Ooooh la la…
[we seem to have morphed into Anna Lou Larkin for a second]
It seems that this game involves blowing up zee whoopee…and then squeezing them when the player’s moment is announced. Kind of like a fart on cue…but also like a fart in a queue. If you get the drift. Which you will when they whoopee.
The players are ready, they’re waiting…anticipation rumbles through the audience [perhaps they won’t need these whoopees after all] Eva steels herself, teases, gets ready to unleash…
Ha ha ha ha!
So brilliantly childish. And it has to be said, Eva’s ever so gushing in her response:
Eva: “Aldershot…zis is the best whoopee I’ve ever had!”
Rumble rumble RRRRRROAAAAAAAARRR! from the audience.
Now that has to be used on the Aldershot tourist brochure.
Sheeeeee’s Baaaaaaack! Lolo Attack!
And bad as fuck in a skull mask and skeleton suit…Lookyloo at the picture…fucking thunderous!
And it seems like more audio malevolence and mayhem again…not so much iPod madness, more real life madness. It is a crazy, fucked up world…
This time it’s dance moves to erm let me see…Trump, Hip-hop, R&B, adverts…
WOWWWWWW BODYFORM…BODY FORM FOR YOU…
And all kinds of consumerist, mass media fiendishness…
Lolo Brow has her moves locked down like a rubber gimp in a leather box. Hot, tight, and oh so wonderfully nasty.
All pictures by Jennifer Marsden. Thank you Jennifer!