*This feature was originally published on Vulpecula magazine, which has since closed.
Lucha Britannia
16th March 2018
Resistance Gallery, Bethnal Green, London
Host: Benjamin Louche
Cast: Tony Two-Tops, Hipster Referee Rob D’arcy, Nurse Meatface, Glamazonian Babes Mamzelle Maz & Viva Ruin
Performers: Marnie Scarlet, Scarlet O’Hora
Fighters: Muneca Del Trapo, Pavol Real, Marduk Malik the Annunaki God King, Jerry Bakewell, Symbol, Hombre Del Rocka, Nordico Fuego the Fire Viking, El Rey Anansie the spider King, Rana Venenosa, Metallico, Cassius, El Pirana, Lord Reginald Windsor, Diablesa Rosa.
[Disclaimer: this is the first wrestling event I’ve seen in the flesh so apologies if the correct terminology hasn’t been used and it sounds like an old John Madden BOOM! NFL commentary]
Resistance Gallery, Bethnal Green, Friday night…
Inside it’s hot, sweaty, jammed with human electricity. There’s a wrestling ring taking up most of the room – the audience swarm around it ready for action. Beer bottles open, alcohol is spilled. The chaos is starting to smoulder.
People wander around in Lucha masks: there’s a man in a horses head, another in a sombrero. There’s a mixture of other clothing: street clothes, plaid, beards, big moustaches, leather, latex, and a few ladies in alluring dresses.
Tonight’s Lucha Britannia features 4 fights and around 14 wrestlers. There’ll be chaos, havoc, mayhem and lust. All in all: FUCK YEAH!
The rhythms rise and rise as we run towards the start. There’s some foot stamping, anticipation…it’s gladiatorial, tinges of a bullfight, battle soon to commence…
BENJAMIN LOUCHE leaps into the ring: dark hair, sharp suit, microphone in hand. He’s ready to help the room raise hell!
“Ladies and Gentlemen… carnage enthusiasts,” says Benjamin. “Welcome to Lucha Britannia!”
RUMBLE RUMBLE RRROAAAAR from the crowd!
“Do you like the sound of breaking bones?
YES!
“The sight of tearing tendons?”
WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! WOOHOO!
The crowd is being whipped furiously! They’re aflame, frenzied, ready to go!
“Our first fighter… ladies and gentlemen… PAVO REAL!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The crowd see a villain: he’s booed, he’s abused, he’s sprayed with bottled lager…
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“Fuck you!”
“Get off with it!”
Pavo poses in the ring: a mask of broken mirrored pieces, a big black cape, a cane, and a definite sense of malevolence. Pavo sweeps his cape around; he’s intense and ready for action.
BL: “We have not a man, but a god!”
Booo!
“We issue an open challenge…”
The crowd roars!
A Lucha lady steps up and into the ring. The crowd goes ape-wild, de facto batshit crazy!
This is MUNECA DEL TRAPO aka RAGDOLL and she looks like a feisty, awesome, brute. She seems to be a fan favourite. I love her already!
The cheers explode, reign down onto Pavo in the form of boos and abuse.
BOOM!
Pavo snaps, smashes into Ragdoll!
KICK, SMASH, SLAM, BOOF!
Ragdoll’s been battered and slammed off the ropes…
Pavo = EVIL!
Grabbing her by the hair, Pavo kicks Ragdoll in the face, leaves her slumped on the canvas. Picking her up, Pavo SLAMS Ragdoll against the ropes and the wall behind. What a brute! What a bastard!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS! roar out from the crowd! But quickly the boos twist into
“RAAAAAGGGG DOLL! RAAAAAGGGG DOLL!”
Inspired, Ragdoll reaps vengeance!
Pavo runs in to slam her, but she SMACKS him in the balls!
He’s crushed, he’s crumpled. Ragdoll wraps her legs around him
SLAM!
BAM!
WHAM!
BAM!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
The canvas rumbles and shakes…
…the crowd roars with approval…
RUMBLE RUMBLE ROAAAARRR!
Pavo is SMACKED, KICKED, BOOTED in the face!
Ragdoll is rampant! She grabs Pavo, SLAMS him over her head!
Pavo struggles to get up, but he does. He’s angry, he’s ravenous, he’s thunder-struck!
Grabbing Ragdoll, Pavo overhead slams her down onto the canvas!
BOOF!
Kicks her face, turns, BACK SLAM!
OUCH!
The rumbling cacophony shakes the arena.
But Ragdoll’s not down, Ragdoll’s not out! She’s back on her feet and baying for more!
Ragdoll climbs on the ropes, LEAPS onto Pavo’s shoulders… they spin, they flail…
Pavo sends Ragdoll sailing onto the ropes and into the canvas…
SLAM!
Here comes another…
SLAM!
But then…
A Brutus appears from the shadows! A big man, warrior, something unholy from the ancients… this is MARDUK MALIK THE ANNUNAKI GOD KING!
Pavo cowers in the corner. Marduk helps Ragdoll to her feet…
Crowd: “WOOOOOOOOO!”
“RAAAAGGGG DOLL! RAAAAAGGGG DOLL!”
SMACK! BOOF!
Ragdoll has turned, smashed Marduk around the face! He’s down! He’s out!
Pavo and Ragdoll KISS!
What a bizarre turn around…
…And off they go together!
Fucking hell, what twisted brilliance!
NURSE MEATFACE in red latex runs into the ring to check on Marduk.
Will he make it? It’s not looking too good. He’s carried off clutching his head.
With the first fight over, Benjamin Louche introduces some of the cast…
NURSE MEATFACE: blonde hair, red latex – here to attend to the fallen.
HIPSTER REFEREE ROB D’ARCY: the Hipster Referee in dog leggings, an orange bobble hat, and a selfie stick. Joy. Ref Rob runs around the ring taking selfies of himself and the crowd. Oy vey.
GLAMAZONIAN BABES MAMZELLE MAZ & VIVA RUIN: two ladies head to toe in latex (with hoods). One red, one blue. Gorgeous.
TONY TWO-TOPS: a geezer in a leather jacket, sunglasses, and apparently a particularly dodgy looking hat…
BL: “What’s wrong with you Tony?”
TT: “My mother wore this hat when she was buried.”
BL: “It’s dreadful!”
TT: “I’ve got another one.”
BL: “Is it any better?”
Tony pulls out a Robin Hood hat, puts it on his head.
The crowd whoops, Benjamin wails…
BL: “NO!”
TT: “The people like this hat… so fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu!”
Lol.
Oh, there’s a large tarpaulin being laid onto the canvas…
BL: “Either the next act is very messy or we’re going to murder someone in the ring…”
And with that…
MARNIE SCARLET!
Marnie strides into the ring…BIG HAIR, yellow boots, a dress fashioned from tabloid magazines.
Little by little Marnie starts to remove the dress as she wanders around the ring…
The song When I grow up by the Pussycat Dolls bounces out of the speakers…
Off goes the dress! Latex underwear! Ass shake!
Out comes the phone: selfie, selfie, selfie…
Bra off! Flung high into the air and into the crowd…
X-Factor X nipple covers…
Knickers off!
X-Factor X vagina cover…
Ohhhh, but now it gets more mischievous…
Out comes the basket, PING! Marnie pulls out A BREAST! Which she staples to her chest!
PING! Out comes another breast: SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! A pair of new boobies!
JIGGLE JIGGLE JIGGLE!
Happy boobies. Jiggly boobies.
But there’s more: out comes a brand new fanny!
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
All new!
Marnie celebrates! SPURRRRRRTING FAKE TAN all over her body…
New boobs, new fanny, drenched in fake tanny…
And with that she’s gone… away into the night!
…and back to the violence!
A LUCHA CHAOS MATCH!
BL: “Rules…nothing but vio-lence!”
“Our first fighter…”
JERRY BAKEWELL!
Jerry arrives in the ring…tweed lucha mask, brown leather jacket, a tufty piece of combover hair…he is all that is northern…nowt taken out about that!
Jerry gets angry at the Glamazons. Cruel bastard!
Now he’s waving at the crowd and calling them WANKERS!
BL: “That’s right… he’s the asshole of assholes…”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Crowd [to the tune of Ole, ole]:
“Fuck you, fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you!”
Jerry: “Why don’t you just go home and shut up!”
But now another fighter appears, making his way through the crowd and into the ring. He’s head to toe in a purple suit, white ruffled shirt, sunglasses, jerry curled hair, and flanked by two ladies in purple. It’s…
SYMBOL!
Prince’s 1999 blasts out of the speakers. The trio dance in time to the music in the ring. It’s raucous, gorgeous, indulgent, the crowd adores it!
BOOM!
Jerry SLAMS Symbol sending him thundering into the ropes! The music stops. The ladies are shocked.
SMASH!
Symbol hits the canvas. He’s dazed, bewildered, he’s on a plane all of his own. Jerry grabs him, wraps his arms around his neck, FLIPS him backwards and slams him into the canvas!
Oh fuck! Another fighter enters: HOMBRE DEL ROCKA bounces into the action… powder blue outfit and orange boots.
“FUCK YOU!”
Jerry pins Symbol to the floor as Hombre inches closer… is he coming for Jerry? Is he hunting for revenge and retribution?
BOOF!
Hombre kicks Symbol!
He picks him up, slams him to the canvas!
Jerry celebrates, baits the crowd, calls them wankers.
Crowd: “You dirty northern bastard! You dirty northern bastard!”
As Jerry’s lapping up the abuse, another fighter appears through the ropes… he’s tough, dreadlocked, seemingly a symphony of violence…
El REY ANANSIE THE SPIDER KING heads straight into the action! Flinging off the ropes, Spider SLAMS Jerry to the ground.
Now Hombre runs in… fly-kicks Spider to the ground!
There’s CHAOS! There’s CARNAGE!
There’s VIO-LENCE!
And still the fighters keep coming!
NORDICO FUEGO THE FIRE VIKING leaps out of nowhere to join the fray!
RANA VENENOSA races into the ring… she’s a tough lady quite clearly as Spider faces up…
SLAM!
SLAM!
BOOM!
Spider lays beaten, but Jerry grabs Rana, spins her round in the air…SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!
Rana goes flying into the crowd! Now Jerry goes flying too!
The crowd WHOOOP! The crowd ROAAARRRRS!
The sound of THUNDER everywhere!
It’s mayhem! Fighters are flying allover!
And now Symbol is being bumped and bammed!
Rana enters the ring, charges at Symbol… Symbol grabs her! Kisses her!
But Spider flies in, SMASHES Symbol into the ropes!
Jerry runs in, HURLS Spider out of the ring!
Now it’s Nordico vs Jerry!
SLAM! SLAM! BOOM! Nordico is battered!
A KICK in the face, a kick to the groin!
Jerry: “We will beat you!”
Jerry bounds over to Nordico – shoulder barges him.
Crowd: “Dirty northern bastard! Dirty northern bastard!”
TT: “He’s like a ginsters pastie stuffed full of anuses!”
It’s pure madness…anything can happen next! And it does!
Nordico and Hombre square up to each other as Jerry baits the crowd.
Hombre waits in the corner… but Spider swoops in… SLAMS Nordico.
Spider and Symbol double-team… SMASH Nordico to pieces!
Crowd: “Lucha! Lucha!”
Nordico scrambles clear, climbs the ropes, leaps… MISSES!
BAM!
Jerry grabs Spider… spins him around and SMASHES him onto the canvas!
Crowd: “Fuck you, Iron Brew! Fuck you, Iron Brew!”
Now Rana bounds in… grabs Jerry… pins him to the floor!
Is it over?
1…2…3
Rana wins! She’s the Queen of Chaos!
And with that… a break!
INTERVAL
What the fuck? What in the hell kind of craziness just happened?! I need a cigarette.
ACT II
BL: “Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen… now it’s time for some tag team action!”
“Our first fighter is the King of the Scrapheap: part man, part machine, all violence! He makes R2D2 look like a peddle bin… it’s…”
METALLICO!
Metallico has a blue mask and tribal tattoos.
BL: “The android is ready, but who is going to be his teammate?”
“Ladies and Gentlemen…”
CASSIUS!
Cassius has dark hair, pink shorts, pink shoes.
Metallico and Cassius embrace, cheer each other on…
BOOF!
EL PIRANA swoops in, CRASHES Metallico to the floor…he’s down, he’s out of action! He’s laying pole-axed and decommissioned at the side of the ring!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Crowd: “Squish the fish! Squish the fish!”
Cassius and Pirana grapple each other. Cassius swings Pirana over his head, slams him to the ground, shags him in the face!
Uh uh uh!
Cass: “That’s what you get baby!”
But Pirana’s back on his feet… he’s thirsty, hurting, going off like a flesh seeking fishile!
Crowd: “Scaly bastard! Scaly bastard!”
Pirana wreaks revenge, SLAMS Cassius into the corner!
BOOF!
Pirana goes in for kill, RUSHES at Cassius… but he MISSES!
Oh, that’s him fucked!
ADD: El Pirana + Cassius + Hipster Ref Rob D’arcy by Jamie McFarlane
Cassius grabs him, flips him over, shags him in the face again!
Good lord!
Pirana lies dazed on the canvas; he’s been bumped, bammed, and bummed in the face! He doesn’t know what the fuck to do!
But Cassius does! He dances into the corner, climbs onto the top rope, leaps:
SLAM!
The Pirana has been stomped!
“Scaly bastard! Scaly bastard!”
Cassius has the fish pinned!
“Scaly bastard! Scaly bastard!”
1…2…3…
Cassius WINS!
“Cassius! Cassius!”
Cassius helps Metallico up and onto his feet. He’s dazed, no idea what’s going on, but the team has won!
Benjamin Louche enters the ring…
“It’s time for another cabaret performer…”
“Do we like good girls?”
NOOOOOOOO!
“This bad girl is all that is bad!”
SCARLET O’HORA!
Scarlet strides out of the shadows and into the ring. Oh, she’s tough, she’s bad. Blonde hair, sunglasses, corset, fur coat, big boots, and a cigarette. There’s some music:
“I’m so badass!”
Scarlet stubs that fag out on her tongue, flings her coat off! She gives the crowd the middle finger FUCK YOU!, rips off her corset FLING!
We’re her bitches. Oh, we’re definitely her bitches!
Scarlet parades herself around the ring, stopping at each section to fuck with the crowd.
Ass shake! Splits! Up and at ’em!
Ass shake! Kiss! Bend over!
A little lick of her tits!
And she’s gone!
That was a pretty cool fuck you to the crowd.
Which is good, because the next bout requires some FIRE and some ANGER!
It’s the WORLD LUCHA BRITANNIA CHAMPIONSHIP
BL: “Our first fighter is a stuck up aristocrat… brimming with Brexit and inherent racism… it’s…”
LORD REGINALD WINDSOR
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Reg Windsor walks slowly through the baying, heckling crowd and into the ring. He’s loathed, despised, hated, berated.
“You’re all scum!” says Reg, grabbing the microphone as he enters the ring.
Crowd: “Barbara Windsor… Barbara Windsor…”
As Reg/Barbara continues to bait the crowd, Benjamin announces his challenger:
“Our challenger is the ruling Lucha Britannia World Champion. Born from a marriage of an angel and a demon it’s…”
DIABLESA ROSA!
WOOOOOOOOO!
The crowd is emphatic! She’s a hero, a legend… the Queen of the Lucha underground!
Rosa’s about 5 foot 5, pink mask, pink boots, coloured leotard. She’s out and about the ring parading the belt.
The crowd cheer, salute their hero.
Reg: “Shut your mouths you dissenting prols!”
Crowd: “Pay your taxes, pay your taxes… Tory scum! Tory scum!”
Reg: “I’d rather be Tory scum than poor scum!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Beer goes flying, insults are shouted.
Reg: “As well as Brexit and inherent racism… I’m also a fan of systematic sexism.”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“Fuck you!”
Reg: “I’m here to put an end once and for all to the Lucha Britannia having a female world champion.”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
WHAM!
BAM!
SLAM!
Reg has been wankered by Rosa! A lightning quick assault!
But Reg recovers, grabs Rosa, SLAMS her to the ground!
Crowd: “Rosa! Rosa! Rosa!”
Reg KICKS Rosa in the face BOOF!
“Barbara Windsor! Barbara Windsor!” scream the crowd in mocking jest.
Further insults are hurled at Reg as Rosa fights back. But Reg thwarts her, picks her little frame up and hurls her over the ropes and into the crowd!
Reg hurtles in after her! They grapple, the crowd grapples back at Reg! They move through the crowd while fighting…on and on towards the bar and back again…
As they make their way back into the ring, Rosa runs to the corner, climbs, turns and leaps onto reg!
BAM!
BOOM!
Reg is down, then up…
SLAP!
Rosa’s slapped!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“Tory scum! Tory scum!”
This chaos continues until… Reg has Rosa pinned!
1…2…
She’s free!
And she’s out and about a hunting down her prey!
Rosa grabs Reg, flings him into the corner!
SLAP! KICK! SLAM!
Reg is being bounced around like a ragdoll!
And Rosa has him pinned!
1…2…
He’s free!
But he can’t escape! Rosa lifts him up on her shoulders! All that Tory scum, tax dodging, Brexit loving, slave eating weight on her shoulders!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!
Reg crashes down onto the canvas!
SLAP! SLAP! BOOF!
Reg is being beaten to buggery!
Rosa has him pinned:
1…2…
But he’s free!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“Tory scum!”
“Fuck you!”
“Rosa! Rosa! Rosa!”
But Reg counteracts… his counter attack is strong… he SLAMS Rosa onto the canvas…
1…2…
She’s free!
This is a fucked up crazy ballet! Brutal, beautiful, it’s a behemoth of badassery!
But the battle continues. It’s an odyssey of violence!
SLAP! BOOF! SLAM! BOOM!
BAM! BOOM!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Rosa has Reg pinned… is this it?
He’s down, looking out, will he break free?
1….
2….
3….
ROSA WINS!
Woohoo!
Fuck me, what the hell did I just see? Insane fun, much amusement! Love carnage? Love Lucha!
I think we’ll back here again!
End!
Lucha Britannia
Photos courtesy Jamie McFarlane. Visit the Lucha Britannia FB group to see more of his awesome work.
Mardi Gras Magazine 