Apothecary: Kindling!
7th March 2018, Haunt, Stoke Newington
Host: Driscoll Bleak
Stage Managers: Poppy Liqueur
Line up: Cherry on Fire, Kheski Kobler, Eva Wonder Queen, Olivia Nuclear Bomb, Luna Howl, Little Lola (Italy), Diva Regina
I don’t think we’ll write a big intro for this show… I don’t think it’s needed. So let’s fashion up some kindling and get the fires burning. Over to you, MARIPOSA BOP!
Bop: “This light is doing my fucking head in!”
Ha ha!
The stage light really is bright this evening. Has somebody exchanged the bulb for the strength of the sun?
Bop: “I really can’t see! Oh well…”
“We have to kindle the fire tonight… are we ready for some fun?”
Wooohooo!
“We have an incredible array of acts tonight… and our host… Driscoll Bleak!”
“As is customary, Doctor Bleak will introduce himself… over to you Doctor Bleak…”
DRISCOLL BLEAK: “Welcome to the show… I’m the well renowned funeral director… Queen of Shysters… and Deputy Prime Minister…”
“How are we feeling?”
Somewhat slightly peachy.
“We have immense talents tonight from Kent, Essex, Southampton… Italy.”
“Who here would like to set the fires going with our first act?”
Wooohoooo!
“Flying in from Venice… it’s…”
LITTLE LOLA!
Ooooh, darkness…a hum of something wicked, something somewhat exciting… Little Lola appears in a Nun’s habit looking somewhat mischievous..
[a lot of somewhats and somethings this evening]
She has dark hair, red shoes, a hand mirror with a big cross on it…
But now MUSIC! White Wedding by Billy Idol.
Lola prays, sweeps across the stage in her dress. She has fishnets and boots underneath… mischief… habitual mischief…
Speaking of habits…
HABIT TEASE!
Ohh!
Another HABIT TEASE!
Lola dances, teasing, twirling, stoking the fires tonight…
Glove tease!
Bra tease! Bra off!
Kiss! Ass slap!
And done!
Driscoll: “Did you enjoy that?
YES!
“Are you ready for more?”
Woohooo!
“Our next act is an expert in romance… please put your hands together for the awe inspiring…”
RICHARD CHALK
The man enters, looks a fucking mess! Unshaven. Dressing gown. Pyjamas. What on earth has he been doing?
It’s clear that something isn’t quite somewhat right with our Richard. Something is wrong… the man is unhappy… there is doom and gloom… the man is under a cloud…
Richard heads straight for a drinks tray that sits in the corner, pours vodka into a cocktail glass… adds ice…
“Hello everyone… my name is Richard Chalk… the Don Juan of motivation…”
It seems Richard has some romantic advice for us all. A five step plan of action… featuring such gems as Dress to Impress, WWCD – What Would Chalky Do…
But before he can go any further, he’s interrupted by a text message…
“I made a mistake and I want you back…”
Oh! The gloom disappears… happiness breaks out across his face…
Music! You got the Touch
Richard dances..his happiness is infectious! His five point plan has changed in its scope and direction… Smooth, Anything is Possible…
The man is filled with joys and hallelujahs… but… there’s a twist… a bolt of devilish lightning…
Message: “Oops, my message wasn’t meant for you…”
Oh no! Doom strikes. Gloom shrouds. The clouds have come rolling in. Richard gets upset, angry, despondent…he strips down to his vest and boxers.
“Look at me…speaking to a room full of losers…For fuck’s sake!”
Richard becomes angry, drinks upon drinks are consumed… splashed down himself… his soul is crying havoc!
STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!
FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
STOMP! STOMP!
FUCK IT!
FUCK IT!
FUCK IT!
FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
STOMP! STOMP! Out the door SLAM!
Silence… shock… nervous looks around the room…
Driscoll: “Peerless advice for us all there!”
Um, indeed.
Ah, but now, a game from BOP & POPPY!
Bop: “Has anyone ever ridden a magic carpet?”
Audience member: “Richard Chalk has!”
Bop: “Well we need two people to play this game…”
Oh, and that’s what we get… TWO LADIES… Sarah and Eleanor.
Bop: “I couldn’t find an actual magic carpet, so instead we have tea towels…”
It seems the idea of the game of that the players shuffle along the stage on their towels… ahem… MAGIC CARPETS… and at the end they have to eat a Cherry Bakewell.
“This is fairly ridiculous isn’t it,” laughs Bop. “But this what we do!”
LOL! WHAT FUN!
AND WE’RE OFF!
SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE!
RACE! RACE! RACE!
SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE!
MASH!
A Cherry Bakewell pummelled into a player’s face!
SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE!
MASH!
And another! There’s bakewell all over their faces…
I honestly couldn’t say who won (perhaps it was the bakewells) but it was very fun!
Driscoll: “Are we all feeling a little bit kindled? We’re going to have our next act… she’s a nuclear bomb with existential mayhem…welcome to the stage…”
OLIVIA NUCLEAR BOMB!
Dark hair, black lace and net dress… and A PIG MASK! See picture!
Nine Inch Nails explodes out of the speakers…
“I want to fuck you like an animal”
Tease… Mask tease… Mask!
Glove tease, glove off… KABOOM! ticker tape BURSTS from the glove!
Glove tease, glove off… KABOOM! ticker tape ERUPTS everywhere!
Olivia dances on the stage… wriggling, writhing…
Bra off! Flung away!
Now she’s winding her way around the stage…
Winking, winking…
A bottle comes out of nowhere… wine is flowing down her body and onto the stage… it’s running everywhere… it has a mind of its own and it leads us into the end of the performance.
Driscoll: “What an absolute feast we’re having…”
“The interval is coming soon… where you can get yourselves off for a coke and feel and a spliff and a wank…”
Ha ha!
“But first we have one more act… Ladies and Gentlemen…
LUNA HOWL!
Luna arrives on stage looking terrific: blond hair, black knickers and bra… and a bloody good beard!
Glove tease…
Dress off!
Bra and corset underneath.
Corset tease!
What a Barnstorming and Beardy act…
Luna whips out a pair of scissors… cuts off the bra… CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! FLING! The bra goes flying into pieces and all over the stage…
Xs on the nipples!
But there’s more, Luna’s not finished. Something wicked this way comes… it’s it’s it’s
SILLY STRING SPRAY!
KABOOM! SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
And a bit more: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
SSSS!!!
Silly string ribbons its way into the air and onto Luna and the audience until the cans are dead, finished, depleted…
A BIG LUNA WAVE!
And off!
INTERVAL
Gin!
ACT II
Driscoll: “How are we? Did you have a fun interval?”
Yes!
“Our next act is mystery anarchist… a gender funk maestro…”
“Scream for…”
EVA WONDER QUEEN!
Eva leaps onto the stage: blonde hair, yellow rubber gloves, red shoes, plaid shirt.
She spins…spins some more.
Glove tease! Glove tease!
Shirt tease!
Teasing, teasing, teasing… OFF!
Leather skirt with a big zip underneath!
Woohooo!
And WHOOSH! The skirt comes off! Flung…
And underneath all that: A STRAP ON!
Oh wow!
Eva wanders into the audience… waving around the strap on… it’s going in faces, in drinks, it’s causing horror and delight and lustiness and mayhem…
But the strap on goes off… discarded and given away…
Eva shakes her body:
Hip shake!
Ass shake!
A quick smile and gone!
Thank you Eva!
Driscoll: “I think it’s time for us to introduce you to a chanteuse… this lady has been everywhere… picked up a few venereal diseases as well!”
Jeepers…
Driscoll: “Super gonorrhoea aside… welcome to the stage the ever so pleasant…”
DIVA REGINA!
Diva enters: blue silk EU emblazoned dress, she’s wearing a crown, and she’s singing in French…
Diva sings… waves flags every time she changes language… French, Spanish…
There’s some jokes and Britain and Brexit and all sorts of funny things from Europe.
And now Driscoll’s off into the great beyond with his one man lyrical genius/madness… let’s see if we can translate our notes…[we probably can’t]
Driscoll: “Warmly enamoured… massage your thighs… imagine an orange crystal… a door like a Vauxhall Astra… your own paternal grandfather trapped inside a vending machine…”
“Please put your hands together for the next act…”
KHESKI KOBLER!
Kheski leaps out onto the stage…
A lamp shade on her head and over her face and underwear ornamenting her below…
Boop-boop jazz music plays out across the room…
Glove tease!
Dancing… dancing… dancing…
A slow grind, a slow movement… a slow
The lampshade lights up!
PA-PING!
Woo!
Dancing and spinning tassels!
The lampshade has some hella groove!
Kheski blows a kiss!
And she’s gone.
Driscoll: “Our last act is a masterpiece of stylish fusion of elegance and steamy poise…put your hands together for”
MISS CHERRY ON FIRE!
Miss Cherry steps out onto the stage: dark hair, white robes and rhinestones. Cherry has tattoos on her arms and legs.
Slow jazz music starts the act… it’s a delicate and teasing start, but then:
Rumba music! BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
The music and performance erupts…
The dress comes off!
Cherry sweeps around the stage…
Ass shake!
Kick!
Tease!
Bottom!
Hips swinging, bottom winging…
Now on the floor… swinging, swinging… SWINGING!
And done!
WOOHOOOO!
Fin!
All photos credit: Jon Ellis at JME-PHOTOART
Mardi Gras Magazine 