Chaz Royal’s World Burlesque Games 2016 
(Best UK Performer)
Conway Hall, London, 9th December 

Host: Cherry Bomb
Starring: Ana Kiss (Somerset, UK), Betty Blue-Eyes (Cardiff, Wales), Crimson Day (Durham, UK), Innocence Bliss (Glasgow, UK), Lady Lolly Rouge (Bristol, UK), Lou Safire (London, UK), Madeleine Soleil (Portsmouth, UK), Mariposa Bop (London, UK), Rock Hart (Preston, UK) Trixie Blue (Newcastle, UK)

So after the fun and games of the Best Newcomer, it was time to get funky with the Best UK Performer. And we do mean FUNKY! 😉

This show had everything: Rocky, Charlie Chaplin, Black Swan, and even a Mariposa Bop! Not to mention a huge amount of tassels, sequins, striptease and cheekiness. Ten performers and a bundle of talent throughout, it was a great night’s entertainment.

And so onto the performances…

Jagged little beats, unusual sounds, sketchy, cheeky rhythms welcome ANA KISS onto the stage…

Ana begins to move her body – twist, turn, swirl…a pair of red and yellow fans moving in time to the music…

Big BAM! Big BAM! Chakachakachaka drums boot the music out the way!

Ana rips, punches through the air with her fans, hips swinging, gritted teeth, energy – a feisty thunderheart driven rampage…

Clothes fall off…

And then!

Ana peels the skin on her legs away…slicing off layers…

Then onto her torso and arms…layers of skin peeling away…

Thrust, boop, stomp, hustle…

End!

Bravo!

Cherry Bomb: “Am I boss eyed? Or did Ana Kiss peel all of her skin off? Apparently it’s latex so there you go… ”

But where the hell do we go from here? We. Go. To…

Cut in:

There’s a tiny piano and stool sitting quietly on the centre of the stage…who or what on earth could this be for? What kind of performance are we expecting next?

According to Cherry Bomb:

“It’s influenced by Liberace and it’s called Behind the Candle-a-bra…”

Hmm…

The hum of the crowd disperses, the room falls silent…something wicked this way comes…

BETTY BLUE-EYES wanders out in a BIG BIG BEAUTIFUL WHITE DRESS.

Oh my, what a delicious dress. Long, slender, tight, figure enhancing – it’s an adventure in itself!

And Betty’s sleeves and boa…they’re all lit up!

The piano’s waiting patiently, Betty wants to play…

But surely it’s very difficult, nigh on impossible to sit down in that dress?

It is very difficult, nigh on impossible!

Betty tries to sit…Ughghhh, it’s difficult….Ugghhh the dress is too tight, too elegant, too restrictive, not at all made for teeny-tiny piano playing…but but but…

Rippppppppp! Fling! Ta da!

The long dress has been shortened!

Bottom boop!

Ripppppp!

The skirt’s ripped completely to reveal her knickers! [emblazoned with:

LIBERACE!

]Wowsers!

Betty continues to fling and fling and fling until her clothes are all over the stage…there’s bits of fabric everywhere…very little left – just knickers, a bra and a keyboard wrap that stretches waaaaay out across herself…

But all that too is swept away in the glorious feast of burlesque, cabaret, and Liberace endeavour.

Free of the dress and the skirt and all of her underwear, Betty sits down to play…oh my, you can see her bottom cleavage…

(gasps, cheers, whoops from the crowd)

Betty wraps something around her bottom, covers up and calls for…

SILENCE PLEASE

Shhhhh!

Shhhhh!

Shhhhhh!

Aaaaaand…

Plink! Plink! Plonk! Ker-Plunk!

Ugh, what crappy playing!

Ah, but it’s deliberate…just a a warm up for the concerto…

Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle….Flourish, fly, notes, fly…

DA-LALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAA (it’s a poor imitation of a piano, I know)

TINK-TINK-TINKLALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAA

Wunderbar!

Behind the Candle-a-bra!

A HUGE APPLAUSE for that one!

Cherry Bomb: “Our next act is a dangerous cocktail of Hollywood and Rock & Roll…CRIMSON DAY!

Crimson appears on stage looking very elegant…purple dress, chunky purple fur sash, hmmm, this is quite yummiful.

Big band jazz music blasts out around the room. You know the type – it sounds like 250 people playing instead of just a handful. BIG!

BA-BA-DA-DA-DA

(trumpet)

BA-BA-DA-DA-DA

There’s a bit of a rhythm about this one…it smoulders a little bit, Crimson has a great figure…she’s busy too…this bit of clothing unwinds, another bit falls off…

Bottom!

Boopdy-Boop!

Before you know it pretty much everything has come off! Crimson’s down to underwear and garters…

The trumpet and jazz notes are boomin’ away in the background…are the band somehow able this performance from within the stereo?

A little shake, a little shimmy, a little tease…

A little pause…

Dirty jazz notes roll in…and what’s this? A powder puff!

A sprinkling of powder and then BAM! BAM! BAM!

There’s powder all over the stage, there’s powder all over Crimson…

BAM! BAM! BAM!

And done!

What utter jazzballs of fire!

Now for Cherry Bomb to take us off into an undiscovered country…

Cherry Bomb: “We’re going to talk about dildos…My dildo went missing…And a friend of mine told me that Poundland did them…Poundland dildos…and do you know what I…”

Crikey…next act next act!

INNOCENCE BLISS* drifts onto the stage with a kind of candied innocent malevolence…(triple oxymoron?) Shortish, sweet and cheeky with her blonde hair and fringe, Innocence is a fun girl to watch…

Boop ba-boo-ba-ba-Boop

Boop ba-boo-ba-ba-Boop

She’s colourful, too – a one woman Mardi Gras!

Ass shake! Bottom Boop!

Toop-te-toop-te-TOOP!

Ah, lovely.

Now what is coming up next?

Oh, more jazz? Blimey, jazz notes a go-go this evening…LADY LOLLY ROUGE sweeps onto the stage in silver and white…headdress and feathers…this is classy, chic, exciting…it’s a floaty, drifty, pretty little dream of a performance.

The music bumps along in the background, Lolly Rouge all smiles and splendor.

Ta-da-da-DA – BOOP!

Ba-da-da-DA – BOOP!

And a few little flutters of clothing come off…

BUT!

Ooooh, the soundtrack’s twisting and turning…darker, darker and down the rabbit hole it goes…

Drum solo…swish, swish, swish from Lolly Rouge…shimmy, shimmy, SHAKE!

BOOP!

BOOP!

BAM! BAM!

A champagne glitter shower…

Phew, we need a break!

INTERVAL

SECOND ACT

So half way through the Best UK Performer…it’s been pretty epic so far. Fantastic performances throughout. Do we think it’ll get even more epic in the second half?

YES!

And so the epic begins…

Cherry Bomb: “This man has won international awards…”

The lights go down…

Tribal rhythms slink their way out of the speakers…

LOU SAFIRE emerges…big black fans…black corset, black satin…a symphony in glistening black…

The fans sweep majestically, his majesty Lou swinging elegantly, deviously, mysteriously…

Lou begins to strip…the corset comes off, the satin comes down….It’s cheeky, rhythmic, dominant, flashy, thunderous.

White fans are produced, swept around…

Lou Safire has silver nipples! Very festive.

Ah, now the tattoos are out on display…they’re a kaleidoscope of intrigue…I’m sure they have rhythms of their own…

Lou dances about in sparkly pants…

Bottom!

Ass shake!

Ta da!

After the enchantment, it’s time for something raughty and haughty…

It’s Charlie Chaplin! Aka MADELEINE SOLEIL!

So what name shall we go with? Charlie/Madeleine/Madeleine/Charlie…

I say Charlie.

OK!

Charlie moves around the stage…it’s a silent movie routine…old school, funny, innocent, delightful. And just a little bit delicious.

Charlie stretches out flat on the stage…shuffles towards a young lady in the front of the crowd…he offers out a flower…

How sweet!

But the girl is hesitant…

Charlie shuffles closer…offers again…he’s insistent…(it really is a very nice flower)

Oh, she’s taken it…

Charlie’s happy with that…So happy he’s rejoicing!

Bottom! Boop-boop!

And an ass shake.

He’s thrilled, tickled pink!

So much so that it’s a Striptease!

Oh, but the pants are only a part way down!

It’s It’s It’s a…

Ziptease!

Zipper up, zipper down…zipper all around.

Ziiiiipppppp!

The trousers have fallen down! I say!

Charlie/Madeleine/Madeleine/Charlie is off…half clothed, semi clothed, borderline nude…

The clothes are all the way off!

Bottom! Boop-boop-de-boop!

And gone!

That was fun!

Oh, but what’s this…MARIPOSA BOP has been arrested, sentenced, incarcerated…and is now facing the electric chair! Mariposa, what ever did you do? She’s been led out in an orange prison jumpsuit…tied up to a chair and an electrocution colander slapped onto her head…

Bop + the audience wait patiently…it’s imminent…unpleasant…it might even get nasty…

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAAAAAAP!

Silence…

But hang on…Bop’s survived! And now what’s she up to…

Wriggling, wriggling, wriggling, Mariposa tries to break free of her handcuffs…come on Bop! Come on!

The handcuffs are off! She’s free!

Bop flees, looking for an exit…she’s off: one side of the stage, then back to the other…

Run, Bop, run! Run!

But wait a minute…she’s stopped…

Bop begins to unzip the prison jumpsuit and shake her behind! Cheeky cheeky cheeky!

Jewellery, bracelets, all these stolen things come falling out…

Bop! The little tea leaf!

Bop continues to tease and tease and striptease…clothes, stolen jewellery flies off her person…she’s down to some prison stripes underneath…now down to some latex underwear…

Woohoo!

She’s stripping as fast as she can run!

Strip! Run! Tease! Jewellery…

Sound clip: “There’s a riot in progress!”

There is! There is a riot in progress!

A one woman riot!

Bop strips a little more…and then: BOOF! She’s gone!

What a terrific performance 🙂

Uber Bop!

So we’ve had Black Swan, Charlie Chaplin, and Mariposa’s fiendish thievery…

Who’s next?

Oh f*** it’s Rocky! Well, ROCK HART actually, but in some ways that’s much better…Rock Hart’s dressed up like a boxer on his way to a fight…

The song “Eye of the tiger” bounces around the room. Rock Hart jumps onto the stage…Belt, boots, buckle, gloves…

Rock’s all fire and brimstone and jiggle and giggle…

…The Eye of the Tiger, the thrill of the fight, rumble, young man, rumble…

BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE Rock’s punching the air, flexing his muscles…

FIGHT! SPAR! ADVANCE!

Clothes begin to fly off!

A dressing gown here, something else there…

Tattoos, guns, brylcream and puns…

“It’s the eye of the tiger…”

“It’s the thrill of the fight…”

Bendover!

Blimey!

Rock: Rubbing balls!

And a FLIP! (no really, a flip over his head)

Press ups!

Aaaaand a pose!

He’s a buff, butch fellow.

Now the vest is coming off…

Nipples! Teeny tiny gloves covering the nipples…

And now Rock’s going bare ass! Woah what’s that?

A Christmas tree tinsel covered cock!

Huzzah!

Jeepers….

And he’s done.

BIG APPLAUSE for that one!

Cherry Bomb: “Our last act of the night is influenced by Baz Luhrmann…not the sunscreen…but Strictly Ballroom…Ladies and Gentlemen…TRIXIE BLUE!

Trixie strides onto the stage looking gorgeous, I have to say. Very nice and curvaceous in a vibrant and form-fitting red dress… dark hair, sultry expression…but enough swooning, what about the performance…

Spanish flamenco music bounces out and around the room…

Bom-ba-bom-ding-ding-ding…

Trixie fires up those moves…sweeping, swishing, moving most elegantly…but feisty, tight, fast, furious…it’s a determined, focussed, yet fun performance…

And the dress is off! Gone!

Trixie boops, bumps, thrusts, she’s a debonair firework of smouldering intrigue…

Trixie poses, sultry, moody…mysterious…

Boop-boop!

And done.

Ta da!

Trixie Blue!

Strictly F****** Ballroom!

So after ten performers have ripped through the stage, who on earth will the judges vote for? Who will win the Best UK Performer? It’s probably a difficult decision to make. Every act performed brilliantly – each of them offering something completely different from the other.

But somebody has to win. And so the winner of the WBG BEST UK PERFORMER 2016 is…

BETTY BLUE-EYES!

I have to say Behind the Candle-a-bra was an excellent performance. Very fun and naughty!

Well done Betty Blue-Eyes!

XXX

Fin

wbg-2016-poster
Londonburlesquefest.com

*Apologies to Innocence Bliss…a tray of glass smashed onto the floor next to me during your performance so I spent some time helping to clear it up. This is why there’s slightly less on your performance. Apologies.

Also: Best Newcomer

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