World Burlesque Games 2016 (Best Newcomer)

Chaz Royal’s World Burlesque Games 2016
(Best Newcomer) 

Conway Hall, London, 9th December 

Host: Cherry Bomb
Starring: Brandy Montmartre (Edinburgh, UK), Dixie Rockett (Essex, UK), Kitty Petite (London, UK), Lola Rogue (Liverpool, UK) Lulu Vesper (Brighton, UK), Smashlyn Monroe (London, UK)

Conway Hall, the venue for this year’s World Burlesque Games. It’s a cool and classy theatre positioned in a tight little cranny inside Red Lion Square, Holborn. I haven’t seen it before, but I have to say that I like it.

The crowd are pretty tasty, too.

Speaking about the crowd, there’s an old man on the balcony in a tweed suit watching the show through binoculars…he better be careful or he might get an eyeful as:

CHERRY BOMB wanders out onto the stage…

“You need to whoop very loudly tonight…these people take their clothes off in front of strangers!”


We had better get on with it.

And so onto the performances…

BRANDY MONTMARTRE walks out onto the stage wearing a HUGE red/pink headdress and an equally long red/pink feathered tail. Actually, I should say, a looooooooong tail. It’s suuuuuuuuper loooooong this tail!

Salsa music rumbles out of the speakers…dang-ta-da-da-da-ting-ting-dang-ta-da-ting-ting

It’s Fireball by Pitbull!

This music makes you want to dance…

Brandy leads the way…pink gloves, yellow fringes around her waist…

It’s one hell of a boogie…


Shimmy! Shimmy! Shimmy!




Legs! Heels! A little kick, a little move!

…gloves coming off…

Waist moving, shimmy, shimmy…

Bottom boop!



“I’m a fireball!”

Heel click!



Big round of applause!


After the samba seduction a bit of peace breaks out amongst the audience…DIXIE ROCKETT slithers dangerously onto the stage…

Decked out in serpent green, Dixie’s looking elegant, beautiful and dizzyingly sultry. There’s an element of voodoo about this performance…it’s hallucinatory – rather like swimming in an ocean of absinthe…

Twisting and turning, Dixie slinks…

Clothes off, swoop, jive, pulsing…

She’s writhing on the floor…

It’s a performance of decadence. Sweeping decadence, macabre, beautiful decadence…

Now, who’s that hiding behind a voluminous cape? They look cheeky, a little bit rascally. They could be naughty, they might even be nice. Hmmm, they look agreeably devilish, and just a little bit mischievous. Ah ha! It’s KITTY PETITE! Those cheeky little eyes and face give it away. Kitty’s performing her Sally Stitches (from the Nightmare Before Christmas) act…

…Kitty hides and hides and hides inside her giant cape…

Door creaks!

Kitty peeks!

Kitty Peeks!

Door creaks!

Kitty peers out from behind her cape…something’s brewing…malevolence, intrigue, cuteness…


“You gotta keep ’em separated!” (that’s ‘Come Out and Play’ by the Offspring)

This is ignition! Kitty dances – impish footsteps, cute moves, cheeky smiles…


A spider flies out of her knickers!


Kitty poses – BIG POUTY LIPS…

She sits on a chair…stretches her stripy sock covered leg waaaaay up!


The socks are coming down, roll, sock roll. She’s up on her feet…

…strippy, strip, strip!

The Splits!


Bottom boop! Bottom shake!

Cheeky flicky-flicky!


And done!



LULU VESPER strides onto the stage – tall, slender body; long blonde hair, tattoos twisting and turning across her arms and legs. Lulu’s wearing a delightful black gown with elegant underwear. The gown is sweeping, suggestive, but debonair, delectable, and not without flair.

A microphone stands poised, waiting for action…Lulu steps up:

“Woooh, I’ve got a feeling…tonight’s gonna be a good night…”

Chocolatey notes…edible…thicky, gooey, but sharp and to the point…comforting, yet edgy and exciting…

I must say this is some very yummy burlesque…gorgeous cheesecake and jazz at its finest…

“Tonight’s going to be a good night…”


“I’ve got a feeling, woo-hoo…tonight’s going to be a good night…”

Garters off! Ta da!

Bottom! Boop!

Glitter shower!



Sumptuous, beautiful, cheesecake! Thanks Lulu!

After the glitter comes a BIG DOSE OF MAYHEM! Thunder! Fire! A Warrior Soul! Sheer badassery in the shape of SMASHLYN MONROE

Tribal sounds bounce out of the speakers…

“Bring madness”

Smashlyn emerges from backstage – big boots, bald head, tattoos, skull mask and leather. Stomping towards the front of the stage, Smashlyn reigns fire and furiosity onto the audience below…



The tribal sounds recede into BIG BEATS!

The BEATS bring on a striptease…




Smashlyn writhes on the floor…

She gets up, stretches out…

Fires sticks appear…flames begin to ignite, spread along her arm…

Flames, fiery beauty. Flames, beauty and expression.

Smashlyn shakes her ass, brings out a whip!

“>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!”


“>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!” “>>WHAHH>>PUH!!SH!!!”




And now for the results…

We had to wait until after the Best UK Performer in order to find out who won the Best Newcomer crown, but for sheer readability we’ve added it at the end of this piece.

It must have been difficult to have selected a winner from a tight field of five very strong, capable and stand out performers. Everyone was terrific on the night – I’m not sure the words above can do it justice. Excellent performances all round.

Anyway, without further ado, the winner of the BEST NEWCOMER…


Well done Smashlyn!



Also: Best UK Performer

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